Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Resources

Today's weight:  285.6 (down 26.4 lbs)

I wanted to make a note of some resources, some things that I've found helpful, and some things that I want to look more into.  Because god forbid I add a weight-loss board to my Pinterest account!

I just found this website:  Isabel Foxen Duke.  She's a food coach and I guess you can get daily emails, too.  I've just been poking around at some of her articles, and I like what she has to say.  The first thing is about falling off the wagon, how that necessarily means that there's a set of rules that you're trying to stick to.  She says, "'Falling off' is not your problem. Your wagon is your problem."  I love it.  That totally speaks to me about the struggle I had with the low-carb, high fat diet I was trying.  Diet being the key word.  There was a wagon to fall off, and fall off I did.  What I'm having more success with is generally improving how I eat, and trying not to eat compulsively.  There aren't rules, so if I mess up, I haven't 'ruined everything.'  I can just pick myself up and get on with trying to take care of myself.

One of my favorite food/diet/emotional health writers is Geneen Roth.  I've read two of her books:  Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy.  Both were wonderful, full of insight and compassion.  I need to go back and reread When Food Is Love because there was so much there.

I just heard about this book: Starting Monday: Seven Keys to a Permanent, Positive Relationship with Food.  It looks like a good read, and I'm all for books that delve into the psychological issues of weight instead of just food plans or CBT techniques.  She also has a Facebook app, called APPetite, that I just signed up for, as well as a Yahoo Group called Food and Feelings for Emotional Eaters.
Hopefully these new finds will help me along my way, and if they help you, all the better!  Have any other good suggestions?  Post them in the comments section!


Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Diet Change & Cravings

I haven't been totally happy with the amount of weight I've been losing just by tracking calories and trying to make healthier choices.  I did some reading (as if I haven't read it all before) and decided that I should try a low carb, high fat diet again.  But the process of switching diets has been unpleasant.  I've had several days where I've just gone completely off the wagon (not to mention things like Mother's Day and my youngest's birthday).  I love hearing people talk about how great they feel when they cut sugar and/or gluten out of their diet, and part of me really wants that.. but a bigger part of me really, really wants sugar.  I know it's my addict, and that I shouldn't give in, but man, is it hard!  I find myself wondering, "Well, if other people can lose weight and not go low carb, then I should be able to, too."  Maybe I can, maybe it would be fine and I'd just lose a little more slowly.  But I hate being this 'dependent' on anything, I hate the hold sugar has on me.  I hate it, and I love it, and ugh!

I'm sitting here, with work to do and kids to tend to, and all I can think about is a Nutella sandwich.  I already tapped on the craving once, and that did help a bit, for a few minutes.  But it's back, I obviously wasn't very specific in my tapping.  I'm going to give it a few more rounds and hope that I'll be okay with just water.  But dinner feels a long way off.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Paths to Spirituality

Mindfulness:  I'm aware of mindfulness as a path to spirituality and serenity, but it's something I struggle with.  Like most other people, my life is full of what I often view as tedium.  I stay at home with four young children, so it's laundry, making meals, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, tending to boo-boos, breaking up fights, soothing hurt feelings.  I craft and sell on Etsy, and even that becomes rote, just another chore.  When I can stop and think about what I'm doing, be mindful and in the moment, I do notice a tremendous difference.  Making sandwiches for the kids, instead of grumbling about how long it takes and how boring it is, I can think about making food that will nourish my children's bodies and help them to grow, to have energy to play.  Instead of feeling exhausted at the prospect of breaking up another fight or soothing hurt feelings, I can be grateful to have the ability to teach my children better ways to relate and to cope with life, to be a more 'therapeutic mommy' (as my good friend calls herself) than my mother was.  To try to break the cycles present in my family.  When filling an Etsy order, instead of wishing I was doing something for myself, for fun, instead of focusing on the pain in my back or the cramp in my hand, I can envision how the buyer will use this gift, and appreciate it, and craft with a loving intention.

I also know that it's important for me to not check-out to the detriment of the present situation.  For instance, it's taken me an extraordinary amount of time to write this blog post because my four year old keeps coming up to me to give me snuggles.  I could get annoyed at him and tell him I'm trying to write, but instead I put down the laptop and give him all the cuddles he wants.

Nature:  Connecting with the earth is my best path to spirituality, the one I use the most, the one that gives me the most 'bang for the buck'.  In the last two years, I've really come to appreciate how important nature is to my well-being, and its importance is only growing.  This winter has been especially hard, with the endless cold and grey.  We moved to a new house in the fall, and while previously, I'd always been able to create a sanctuary for birds in our snowy backyard, I couldn't replicate it here.  To make up for it, I bought a lot of houseplants, and that helped some.  Now, though, spring is blooming, birds are coming to the feeders, and we've got lots of seedlings sprouting all over the place, in addition to our old friends the houseplants.  We've gone on hikes and to demonstrations at a wildlife center.  Even just taking the kids to the park is a spiritual experience for me.  I'm constantly looking for ways to 'plus' the experience - for instance, walking barefoot in the grass or sitting in the grass is better than just sitting on our deck in a lawn chair.  A park is good, but a park with friends is even better.  The beach is nice, but the dog beach with our lab is the best.

I can't state enough how important green, life, and sun is for me.  We're even considering moving out of the northeast to somewhere without a harsh winter, even if it means hotter and more humid summers.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Loss of Reality Inventory

No reality/loss of memories:  My first impulse was that I've never experienced this - a total loss of memories or reality.  But then I thought of how sometimes I'll be eating something, and then have no recollection of finishing it.  Or I'll start with a big bowl of ice cream and after some time, realize there's only a bite left, without really remembering eating most of it.

Distortion of reality (faulty thinking or beliefs):  Oh, there's so many of these.  I don't know if I'll be able to list them all!  Let's start specifically with food.  Eating is a way to feel loved.  I deserve to eat unhealthy food.  Eating unhealthy food is nurturing myself.  I can eat some unhealthy food and still lose weight.  That one bite doesn't really matter (which turns into that whole pint of ice cream doesn't really matter).  There will always be more time to lose weight.  Everyone eats unhealthy food like I do, but somehow they stay thin.  Also:  I'm only lovable if I'm thin AND smart AND funny AND outgoing.  I'm only lovable if I do things what other people want.  I'm only lovable if I don't have needs.  I'm only lovable if I'm perfect.

Ignoring reality:  When have I ignored reality and suffered the consequences?  How about every time I ate something and gained weight?  When I swore to lose weight for a trip, and kept telling myself I still had plenty of time, and then the trip came and I was still out of shape and overweight?  There are endless examples of this.  Even things like ignoring bills end badly, obviously.  I don't think I've ever escaped the consequences of ignoring reality.

In the past, when I've asked for help following a loss of reality, my expectations have not been based in reality.  I've expected someone to rescue me, someone with a magical, easy cure for whatever's gone wrong.  Why can't my therapist snap her fingers and make my distorted, faulty thinking disappear?  Why can't someone pay my bills for me?  Why can't this pill make me lose weight?

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Grocery Shopping

I have to go grocery shopping today.  I have a real love/hate relationship with grocery stores, and I've been trying to let my husband do most of the shopping so I'm not tempted to buy unhealthy foods.  But it didn't work out this weekend, so..

I've been looking around for good recipes to try.  I have to admit, I'm a little picky.  It needs to be easy.  Like.. really easy.  I don't eat mushrooms or avocados, either, so there's that.

I found this website, which has a ton of great recipes:  101 Healthy Low Carb Recipes That Taste Incredible.  But nothing there was really jumping out at me.  Plus, there's lots of avocado.  I don't really want to eat Paleo, either.. been there, done that.  But if that's what you're looking for, the above is a great site for low carb, Paleo recipes.

I did see a couple recipes for Ham, Pear, and Swiss sandwiches that look right up my alley.  Allrecipes.com has one, and another one is at Bake at 350 (I'd probably omit most of the butter and use whole wheat instead of sourdough).

Slender Kitchen has a great recipe for fried rice, and she's even calculated the Weight Watchers points for you!  I'd add chicken to bulk it up, I think, but that sounds pretty easy.. especially since I could cook a bunch of it for dinner and then have leftovers for a few days of lunches.

Speaking of Slender Kitchen, I was browsing the slow-cooker section and found a Jerk Chicken recipe I think I'll make tomorrow.  My husband will be excited!

Think I've got enough to put together a shopping list now.. wish me luck!

Monday, April 28, 2014

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

I've gotten much better at asking for and accepting help from my higher power.  When I was young, there was nobody I could turn to for help - not God, who was completely absent from my life (which later led me to atheism), nor my family or friends.  I knew I needed to be self-sufficient.  With access to the internet, I developed the ability to ask for help online, by way of researching topics relevant to my life and to decisions I needed to make.  I cast a wide net, read everything I could, and then formed my own opinions and made my decisions, trusting fully in my reasoning abilities.

When I first came to Twelve Steps, I was skeptical of the new way of behaving that was suggested to me.  I was very lucky in that most of the people in my group had great recovery and were (are) focused on working their program.  I had a hard time letting go of my faith in myself, of my old ways, but as I saw how the members in my group had found serenity, I began to want what they had.  I started trying to follow their suggestions, which coincidentally, were the same things my therapist was advising.  I shouldn't have been surprised when this new way of behaving worked better than the old way, but I still was!  I've come to accept that my old, ingrained way of thinking is not healthy and that even if I feel some resistance at first, trying to follow the collective wisdom of Twelve Steps, my therapist, and supporting books and even friends is a much better way of living my life.  I've come to find serenity in many areas of my life, and I know that if I give up my old, stubborn ways when it comes to food, and try to adopt the OA way of thinking, I can find serenity there, too.

I will admit that I still struggle with the 'turning over' aspect of Step Three.  So often I hear in groups that we should just let go and turn it over to God, and I feel like there's a giving-up of personal responsibility there.  I admit that I may not know the whole story each time, but whenever I hear, "I was worried about X, so I decided to just turn it over to God," I cringe.  For me, the turning over process has to include owning my personal responsibility.  For instance - if I have physical symptoms of an illness, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God will take care of it.  I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor, I'm going to educate myself as much as possible regarding whatever advice the doctor suggests, follow treatment to the best of my ability, and then let go of the outcome.  If I suspect that my husband has had a relapse, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God takes care of it.  I'm going to ask myself, "What do I need to do to take care of myself in this situation?"  That may be calling friends from program, seeing my therapist, setting a boundary, etc.  That's trusting my Higher Power (my healthy-thinking community) to show me how I should handle a situation to ensure that I am okay, then letting go of the outcome.  With food.. well, I'm still struggling with that.  I don't like the idea of following OA advice when it comes to food, not fully.  There seems to be a prevailing belief that abstinence must be refraining from white sugar and flour, and no eating between meals.  At this point in my life, I just can't turn over my food that fully.  I do believe that refraining from compulsive eating is necessary, though, and I strive to do that daily, moment to moment.  I'm not sure if that means I'm not really working Step Three, or if that means I'm being honest about what works for me and leaving what doesn't work for me.  I don't know if it's my addict making that decision, or my healthy, recovered self.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Check-In

Progress with weight loss is going a little slower than I'd hoped, but maybe that's not a bad thing.  I'm down to 288.2 lbs today.  I started at 312 back in January, so not too bad I guess.  I'm being forgiving with food, which is both good and bad.  The good is that I don't feel like I screwed up and need to just give up if I end up having something less than healthy - making diet changes the way I have been has let me focus on the bigger picture than worrying about every bite that I take, which keeps me making slow progress.  But the bad part is that it is slow progress.. very slow.

Warmer weather means I've been a little more active than usual, going to the parks and whatnot with the kids.  But I know that making a concerted effort to exercise would really help, and I keep promising myself I'll do it, only to be too tired.  And yes, I do know that exercising will help increase my energy levels.. and somehow I still can't bring myself to do it.  Maybe I should tap on my reluctance to exercise.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Higher Power Attitude Index

The six words I chose from a list of 24 adjectives to describe God are:  absent, nonexistent, hoax, imaginary, fanciful, and unreal.

The words I chose fall under the 'nonexistent' category, obviously.  I haven't believed in the traditional concept of God for a long time.

The words I chose could also be used to describe how my mother 'helped' me during my childhood.  She was often absent, either physically or mentally.  She was either busy with her job, busy with housework, or emotionally unavailable.  Any help she did try to give me was 'imaginary, unreal, nonexistent."

My definition of 'Higher Power' has changed a lot.  When I was a young child, I believed in the God that my mother believed in.  By around 11-12 years of age, I became an atheist.  I'm not sure anyone influenced that - it just seemed like a logical conclusion.  In my early 20's, I became interested in Earth-based spirituality.  I still didn't believe in God, but I believed in the 'miracle' of nature and life.  During my 20's, I believed I was my own Higher Power.  I had full faith in my intellect and my ability to made good decisions and take care of myself.  I knew that, given the information I needed to make a decision (which the Internet and books always provided), I was able to make the 'right' decision every time.  It wasn't until getting into recovery with my husband that I began to see the error of my ways.

In my other Twelve Step program, I began to redefine my Higher Power.  I could no longer say that my intellect was all I needed or that my thinking, reasoning, and decision-making was sound.  I saw myself doing crazy, illogical things - things that I had previously thought made total sense.  I started trying to follow the suggestions given to me in program, to listen to the experience, strength, and hope I heard from my fellow members.  I was amazed to see that this new way of behaving worked better than what I'd done in the past, and I began to have faith in the group.  My group was my Higher Power.  Gradually, I've broadened that definition to include the community that I chose to include in my life, from my first Twelve Step group, to OA, to my therapist, to healthy, recovery-minded friends, and so on.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

In the Gentle Path book, Steps Two and Three are combined.  The chapter starts with a "Openness to Spirituality - Self Assessment" quiz.  The questions are:

In a grocery store, when searching for something you cannot find, do you:  keep searching until you find it, or ask for help.

When putting something together from a kit, do you:  follow directions carefully, quickly go through the instructions only when you get stuck, or figure it out for yourself.

When you are personally in pain and need support, do you usually:  talk to people immediately, wait until the crisis is over and then tell people, or get through it the best way you can without help.

For the first two questions, I ask for help and follow directions.  For the last one, I vary between all three.

The idea is that most addicts and co-addicts get stuck in a pattern of not asking for help, of going it alone with their problems.  This pattern can hinder Steps Two and Three, and recovery in general, as we need to ask for help from our Higher Power to find recovery.  The Gentle Path book asks you to examine people in your life and how they affect your ability to ask for and receive help.

Dad:  I've always been able to ask Dad for help when I need it.  He's generally nonjudgmental and supportive, and has never made me feel stupid or dumb for asking questions or for help.  He's a good teacher, usually patient, and explains things without being condescending.  He never really made me feel bad when I made a mistake.

Mom:  I could never really ask Mom for help.  She would always become overbearing, making the problem her problem, becoming overly emotional about it to the point where I felt responsible for her feelings, or demanding I follow her course of action, or just generally overshadowing me.  She is also very blame oriented and would either blame/shame me, or someone else who frequently didn't deserve it.  Taking personal responsibility was never modeled.  She is not a good teacher, often losing her patience, and always expecting you to know how to do something without being taught.

Sister:  As an adult, I know I can use my sister as a source of support and ask her for help, but I often feel like, as the older sister, I shouldn't rely on her.  I feel protective of her and don't want to burden her with my issues.  This isn't really because of anything she's done, though.  She's generally helpful and considerate.  This question doesn't really apply to my childhood, though, as she's much younger than I am.

Grandmother:  My grandmother often lived with us when I was growing up.  She wasn't the perfect teacher as far as showing patience went, but she was always happy to explain things and teach me homemaking-type skills.  She was very generous and while I didn't ask her for help too much, I always knew that she would always do whatever she could to help me.

Teachers:  Most teachers were pretty helpful.  I generally had a good experience in school and knew I could go to my teachers for help if I needed it.  The one exception was a teacher in 6th grade - have a clear memory of her being distinctly unhelpful in a certain situation, and of feeling very stupid for asking her about something.

The next step is to select from a list of adjectives, feelings that arise when it becomes necessary to ask for help.  The ones I identify with are:  vulnerable, uncertain, tentative.  The list of adjectives are then arranged into four categories:  dependence, counterdependence, independence, and interdependence.  The adjectives I chose all fall under the heading of dependence, which is defined as "We need and want help."

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Check-In

I've been making slow progress.  Very slow progress.  Today I weighed in at 291.2 lbs, which is fantastic, but I really hoped I'd be farther along by now.  My eating has not been as clean as I'd like, and I haven't been exercising, so I know what the problem is and how to fix it.  I'm trying to be grateful for the progress I've made, while still pushing myself to do better.

Part of the problem is that I still don't have a great repertoire of healthy meals.  I'm not willing to spend a lot of time on meal-prep or cooking, which eliminates a lot of foods I'd otherwise like to eat.

I've been working on journaling the steps, which is good, and I did make it to an OA meeting recently.  I'm going to commit to going again this week.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

Powerless Inventory:  Listing all times I have been powerless to stop my behavior.

I'm not sure how to approach this journaling prompt.  I mean, obviously I've been powerless to stop my behavior.  Every time I've said on a Sunday night, "Okay, this is it, tomorrow will be a fresh start" - and then not followed through.  Every time I go into a store and say, "Only get what you need," and walk out with a candy bar.  Every time I've eaten the kids' cookies or candy or whatever, despite the fact that I know I shouldn't.  There's no way I can write an exhaustive list.

Maybe instead, I'll keep a 'current' powerlessness inventory.  Every time I currently experience powerlessness, I'll update this post.  For now, I'll write about my powerlessness this past weekend.

Originally, our plan involved an errand near my favorite bakery, which is an hour away.  I haven't been there in two or three years, and it was the bakery that made our wedding cake.  We're rarely in that area, so the plan was to swing by and get some goodies as a 'rare' treat.  Well, on Saturday I called to check their hours for Sunday and was very disappointed to hear that they're closed on Sundays.  So that night, when we did our family fun night, I ate s'mores with the kids, which I'd been planning on skipping.  I told myself that it was a trade-off, and that besides, two s'mores aren't as unhealthy as what I'd been planning on eating anyway.  Then on Sunday, I was in the grocery store with the kids, killing time, and they wanted snacks.  Instead of abstaining myself, I got a muffin right along with them.  Later in the day, when I did the weekly shopping trip, I picked up a candy bar, too.

I hate admitting these things.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Aspects of Addiction

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food.  I fantasizing about great food (vacation foods, special treats, etc) I've enjoyed in the past, or that I hope to enjoy in the future (the Internet's food porn can be hard to avoid).  I spend time thinking about cravings I'm having, I imagine eating, and most of all - I plan out opportunities to eat, scheming to find an excuse to go to the store or some reason to indulge in a special treat.

Likewise, I also expend a lot of effort in trying to control my addiction.  If I'm not actively dieting, using EFT, going to therapy, OA meetings, or the gym, then I'm thinking about it.

I spent a lot of my life lying to myself.  I knew I had a problem with food, but I wasn't willing to admit that there was an emotional component to my overeating.  I lied to myself, saying that I just really enjoyed the taste and the social aspect.  Most of my lies to others are lies of omission.  I deliberately eat when my husband's not around so he won't know, and I hide the evidence.  Occasionally I outright lie about how much I ate, saying the kids had eaten some when they hadn't.

I've spent a lot of time during the last two years trying to understand my behavior.  Going to therapy, OA,  reading books, etc helps me to understand.  Knowledge and understanding is important, but then I have to be careful because it's too easy to blame my family of origin for my issues, instead of taking personal responsibility.

I used to like to say, "Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm still healthy!"  I can't say that anymore, now.  At about 150 lbs overweight, I have high blood pressure that probably should be managed with medication but isn't;  I'm probably pre-diabetic.  There's the obvious wear on my heart, joints, etc.  I have plantar fasciitis that makes walking difficult, and shortness of breath that makes moderate physical activity unpleasant.  I can't keep denying the effects on my physical health; my addiction will literally kill me if I don't stop this craziness.

Most of my 'suffering' from my food addiction is emotional.  I feel extreme shame and guilt, and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness.  The shame, guilt, and worthlessness crowd out other feelings, making it hard to fully enjoy life and be present in the moment.  I frequently feel depressed.  I have few friends; it's hard to feel close to people when I feel unworthy.  I avoid most social situations.  My feelings of inadequacy, shame, influence most every interaction.  There's the obvious stress on my marriage as well.  I can't understand why my husband wants to be with me, and I'm constantly thinking, "If I could just lose the weight, then I would feel deserving."

My food addiction and extra weight make it hard to be the mother and homemaker I want to be. My emotional baggage often gets in the way of being able to relate with my children the way I want, and I don't have the energy and stamina to keep up with the kids.  The house suffers because I either can't motivate myself to clean, or I don't have the energy to keep up with it.  I do have values like keeping a nice home, participating in community, taking care of my body, etc - but they are impossible to maintain at this point.

Most of my spirituality centers around nature.  I long to spend hot summer days in the garden, but the extra weight makes it difficult to be in the heat.  I would love to connect with nature more by hiking; I can't because I'm not fit.

Financially, my addiction isn't as much of a burden as some other addictions.  But I do spend money on junk food.  Ben & Jerry's is expensive.  Plus, being stuck in general avoidance mode means I avoid taking control of our finances in pretty much every way.

The crazy behaviors with my food addiction are embarrassing.  Hiding food and wrappers, lying about what I eat, planning my day around obtaining food.  I distract myself with needless projects, obsessing about planning vacations or home improvement projects, or even silly things like video games or TV shows.  I sign up for too many activities or responsibilities.  I try to do anything to keep myself from seeing the reality of my addiction.. but inevitably, I run out of steam with whatever projects, obsessions, or commitments I'm on and end up just stuck with myself, like always.

I manipulate my husband in relation to my food addiction.  I'll ask him to get me food from the store, coming up with excuses for him to enable me.  Then, if he doesn't eat something with me, I use guilt to manipulate him into eating so I don't feel as ashamed.

I do well with sharing my feelings in very specific circumstances.  I can share pretty much anything with my husband.  I can share most feelings with a good friend and my therapist.  I can talk about some things with my sister.  But the sharing I do is on an intellectual level.  I can speak the words of what I'm going through, but I don't really connect on a visceral level with my feelings.


Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

History of Abuse

I never used to think of myself as having been abused. But I was, in 'small' ways.

My mother is a narcissist.  If your mother isn't a narcissist, this might be hard to understand.  If you've never known a narcissist, it's probably impossible to understand.  Everything is about my mother.  When I was a child, if I got hurt (physically or emotionally), my pain was unimportant - what mattered was how my mother felt about it.  She does the same thing with my kids.. if one of them falls down or something, she'll say, "Oh, I'm so upset you got hurt!  I hate to see you hurt!  That scared me so much!"  Similarly, if I had a triumph, it wasn't because I had tried hard or was skilled or lucky or whatever, it was about her.  My grades weren't proof of my hard work, but of hers.  Or she'd even brag through genetics, if she hadn't actually had a hand in what I'd done.  Growing up, receiving those messages, I felt completely unseen, unheard, and unimportant.

Beyond that, she made me feel as if I was never good enough - I could never live up to her expectations.  I have a vivid memory of doing an illustration of a book report that my mother didn't think was good enough.  She drew her own version and had me pass it off as my own.  When I got it back from the teacher, graded, there was a note on it that said, "I don't think you drew this."  That's just one of many, many examples.  She would have me rewrite homework and thank you notes over and over again because it wasn't neat enough.  She was the same with housework.  Everything had to be spotless, and if you left something out where you shouldn't, you got screamed at.  She would also talk to me about how my father's side of the family didn't like us, how they spoiled their other children but not my father, and how they would take their other grandchildren on vacation, lavish them with gifts, and take them on special outings.  All of which further reinforced the idea that there was obviously something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough nor deserving of their love.

As a narcissist, my mom was always emotionally unavailable.  In addition, she was frequently 'too busy' - with housework, actual work, daycare kids she watched, my sister, etc.  When I was a teenager, I would wait up late for her to come home from work.  She threw herself into her work, using at as a way to escape (remember, she is also an addict).  I remember her saying things like, "You make me wish I was at work!"

I also had very little privacy - Mom loved to snoop.  She would even keep things I had thrown out.  During my bridal shower, she pulled out a poem I had written when I was 12 to a boy I'd had a crush on.  She wanted to read it to all of the guests - mostly people I worked with.  It was humiliating and I started to cry - something I never do in front of other people.  She had no boundaries.  She asked me to keep secrets about what she had bought or what we had eaten.  She confided in me about my parents' money troubles and told me all about fights she had with my father.

The confusing thing is that narcissists are so good at getting people to buy their bullshit stories.  Everyone - family, friends, co-workers, etc - has thought of my mother as generous, selfless, kind to a fault, and so on.  The persona she has created began to slip after her health problems began - but I only truly came to see it within the last two years, thanks to a lot of therapy and self-discovery.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Emotional Freedom Technique

If you're following my progress on My Fitness Pal, you noticed I took a few days off.  I wish I hadn't slipped, but I did, and now it's time to move on.  I had a pretty good day today, though lunch could have been better.  What I did do to take care of myself was some tapping.  Emotional Freedom Technique, EFT, tapping.. whatever we call it, I find it very helpful in trying to lose weight.  I use it in all areas of my life, and even my kids use it successfully, but I'm most excited with how it works for weight loss.  Here are the set-ups I used today:

Even though I ate compulsively for a few days, I completely love and accept myself.

Even though I feel bad about having a slip, I completely love and accept myself.

Even though I had a slip, I can choose to start anew.

Even though I am a food addict, I completely love and accept myself.

As usual, it really improved my mood and outlook, and I'm feeling pretty good now!  I'm going to read some of the stories from EFT for Weight Loss later - always good inspiration.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Check-In

I'm celebrating today!  I weighed in at 295.8 this morning, woohoo!

The reason it's such a celebration is that I did not do well over the weekend.  We got take-out from a new-to-us wings place and oh.my.god did it make us sick.  Plus, I was annoyed that my husband had to go in to work for a little while on Saturday, so I may have eaten some cookies.  I didn't track anything on My Fitness Pal all weekend or even yesterday, because we were out of town all day.

The upshot to my weekend of unhealthy eating was that I just felt sick the whole time.  Gross, unhealthy, yuck.  I have a renewed commitment to eating better this week because I don't want to feel like that again!

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

Addiction Histories

Overeating:

Ages 0-10:  I overate sweets for sure, but I wasn't that chubby until closer to 10.  The first time I remember being self-conscious was around 8.  I remember my grandmother giving me a hard time for wanting to put sugar on my Rice Krispies cereal.

Ages 11-18:  My overeating increased, as did my weight.  I started trying to diet around 12.  I was about 130 at 14, 180-190 at 18.  I was very ashamed of my weight, though I only occasionally got made fun of.  My mother was obsessed about my weight and tried everything she could think of to get me to diet (aside from actually providing and cooking healthy food, and modeling healthy emotional coping skills).  Around 14, she decided that we would all weigh ourselves together and when I protested, physically dragged me to the scale to weigh in.

Ages 19-25:  I lost close to 50 lbs at around 21, using Weight Watchers, but it didn't last.  My dad had lost a lot of weight at the same time, but when his sister passed away, we both slowly began eating unhealthfully again.  I ate more and more to cope with my insecurities and unhappiness.  I had my first child at 23 and second at 25, never gaining much weight throughout my pregnancies, though.  At 25, I weighed about 250 lbs.

Ages 26-Now (33):  My eating has gotten more and more out of control.  When my addiction is strong, I try to arrange my days so that I have the opportunity to buy sweets, preferably without my husband knowing.  I spend all day thinking about what I can eat.  My highest weight was a few months ago - 312 lbs.  Thankfully I'm down a bit now, but my addiction is still present.

Alcohol:

Ages 0-10:  I had a sip of my father's beer once or twice.

Ages 11-18:  I snuck a beer from the fridge on a handful of occasions, trying to be cool, but never drank much.

Ages 19-25:  Not a big drinker, never more than 3 drinks in a night, but the overall average was more like one drink a month.

Ages 26-Now:  I only drink rarely.  Sometimes my husband and I will drink one 6-pack over the course of a week, but then nothing for a few months.

Sexuality:

Ages 0-10:  Close to age 10, I became very curious about sex.

Ages 11-18:  Before meeting my husband (my only romantic relationship), my only sexual activity was fantasy, which I did engage in a lot.  I met my husband when I was about 16 and we became sexually active the year after.  I still engaged in a lot of fantasy.

Ages 19-25:  Had a relatively healthy sex life with my husband, though I was very insecure.  Still spent a lot of time engaged in fantasy to cope with my unhappiness in the relationship.

Ages 26-Now:  Engaged in more and more fantasy as I became less and less fulfilled in my marriage (as he was ramping up his addiction, unbeknownst to me).  After finding out about his addiction, during a brief separation, I went out with two men to experiment with physical contact with other people - since I'd only ever been with my husband.

Gambling:

n/a

Co-addiction:

Ages 0-10:  n/a

Ages 11-18:  My mother is a narcissist and an addict herself, so I was beginning to feel responsible for her emotional well-being.  We were very enmeshed, and my attempts to separate and individuate were not totally successful.

Ages 19-25:  Co-addiction with my mother continued, as well as beginning to worry a lot about my father's weight.

Ages 26-Now:  My co-addiction with my mother got quickly out of control after her health (first physical, then mental) began to rapidly decline after a gastric bypass surgery.  After finding out about my husband's addiction, that codependence spread to my relationship with him, though a lot of those behaviors can also be labeled traumatic response.

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I think it's obvious now that I've never known how to deal with life.  Starting with fantasy at such a young age, then food, then codependence - all have been ways to cope with or avoid my feelings and my life.   I've never really lived my life, fully, responsibly, mindfully... I've just thought about it, stuck in my head, scared to come out.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

There is a lot of addiction in my family.  It's funny, though.. I never really noticed it growing up, or even during my twenties.  I mean, there were a few obvious instances of addiction, but I didn't understand that a lot of my family's weirdness was actually addiction.

Even though this blog is anonymous, I'm not going to say my mom has this, my dad has this, etc.  Instead, I'll lay it out for you like this:  out of twenty-five parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and adult cousins (I'm not counting my kid cousins), eighteen have major addictions.  Four food addicts, twelve smokers, two or three sex addicts, seven alcoholics, nine drug addicts (including one fatal overdose and one HIV death from IV drug use), a workaholic, and more codependents/co-addicts than I can count.  If I include my grandparents' siblings and their parents, we get more sex addiction and alcoholism, and who knows what else.

Like I said, it's only recently that I've been able to see the disease and dysfunction throughout my family.  I never thought that my family was so full of addiction, but it is.  Clearly there is not much education about emotional health, proper coping skills, and life skills in general.  It's reassuring to see that my weight problems and life unmanageability isn't something inherently wrong with me, but that I just never had a chance with such poor role models for healthy behavior.

Obviously, my family doesn't give me a free pass to behave however I want.  I can say "I'm this way because of my family," but I can't say, "I can't do anything about it."  It's helpful to know some of the origins of my behaviors because it helps me move past those behaviors and learn a healthier way to live.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Check-In

I didn't have high hopes for the scale this morning, so I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped on it and saw 299.8 pop up!  That's a pound down since Sunday.  Not bad!

Yesterday, my food was not so great but still came in under, calorie wise.  We were out of town all day so that complicates things.  I haven't yet figured out how to bring something healthy for lunch.  I had my usual breakfast drink on the drive, then a slice of pizza for lunch.  I thought the pizza would have made me worse off than it did, though, so I was happy to come home and put my food into the calorie tracker and see that I could still eat a decent dinner.  My husband had made Korean shredded steak tacos with the crockpot, so even with that junky pizza, I was able to eat a big enough portion of dinner to keep me full all night.

If you want to track my progress on a day-to-day basis, you can check out my profile on My Fitness Pal.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

My life is unmanageable.  I am powerless.  I need help.

I have many emotional consequences to my overeating.  I have felt extreme  hopelessness and despair - almost to the point of being suicidal.  I have felt like I am two different people - the 'normal' woman and the fat woman.  My emotions swing from extremes with little provocation.  I often fantasize about a better life and sometimes lose touch with reality.  I have very little self esteem.  I've tried so hard to control this addiction and failed every time - leaving me with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame.  That leads me to isolate and feel lonely.  I'm exhausted and afraid of the future.

The physical consequences of overeating are pretty obvious, though thankfully aren't as bad as they could be - yet.  I'm over 150 lbs overweight.  This causes tremendous stress on my  heart - I'm terrified I'll have a heart attack any day.  My blood pressure is elevated and I'm probably pre-diabetic.  Thankfully my cholesterol isn't that bad.  I have no energy.  I have no stamina for physical exercise.  I get winded all the time.  Back aches are frequent.  My feet, legs and his hurt often.  Knees, too.

My addiction and weight problem cause a lot of problems in my marriage.  I feel repulsive and reluctant to have sex.  I feel like he doesn't want to be seen in public with me, that he's ashamed of me.  I can't do a lot of activities with him that I'd like to do.  I feel so unlovable.  How do you have a relationship with someone when you don't feel worthy of it?  When you feel less than, in every way?

My weight also causes problems with my kids.  On the most extreme level, I'm afraid that I'll die and leave them without a mother.  To be less dramatic,I can't be as active with them as I'd like.  I run out of energy too quickly when we're playing.  Because of my self-consciousness and certainty that people don't like me, I don't get them as many playdates as I think they should have.  It's very difficult for me to form friendships.  I'm also scared the kids will pick up my bad habits.

My lack of energy also makes it hard for me to keep the house looking like I want it to.  I fee like a terrible housewife.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Check-In

Today I'm at 300.8 lbs.  I'm excited about this - in the last two and a half weeks I've lost 8 pounds.  I'm hoping to cross into the 200's by Monday.  Cross your fingers for me!

About Me

I've been overweight since pre-adolescence. It was a problem for me in school, but nothing like it is today. In my late teens, my weight started to creep up from about 180 pounds, and my twenties were mostly spent getting up to close to 300 pounds. I hit my highest weight at 33, an embarassing 312 pounds. During that time, I also got married, had four kids, and lived a mostly normal life. But there were many things wrong, most of which I was unable to see.

In August of 2011, I became aware of my husband's addiction. I'm not going to go into specifics because his story is his, and the specifics are irrelevant here. The important part is that the shock and trauma I experienced were enough to set me on a path of self-discovery. I came to realize many things about my childhood, things that I thought were normal, but aren't. I spent a lot of time in therapy and support groups, learning why I do things the way I do, why I think the things I think, and why I choose the people I choose. I've made many drastic changes in the way I function in all my relationships and how I respond to life. It's been an incredible journey, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do this work, difficult as it is.

Despite all the progress I've made in becoming a (mentally) healthier, happier person, in spite of the peace and serenity I've found, the thing that hasn't changed is my eating behaviors. I've come to a place where I finally feel safe and stable enough to tackle this issue though. It's not easy - eating and my weight have served many different purposes in my life, and it's hard to let go of those. However, I do feel like I've truly outgrown those maladaptive behaviors, and that now I can move on to become a (physically) healthier me.