Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Aspects of Addiction

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food.  I fantasizing about great food (vacation foods, special treats, etc) I've enjoyed in the past, or that I hope to enjoy in the future (the Internet's food porn can be hard to avoid).  I spend time thinking about cravings I'm having, I imagine eating, and most of all - I plan out opportunities to eat, scheming to find an excuse to go to the store or some reason to indulge in a special treat.

Likewise, I also expend a lot of effort in trying to control my addiction.  If I'm not actively dieting, using EFT, going to therapy, OA meetings, or the gym, then I'm thinking about it.

I spent a lot of my life lying to myself.  I knew I had a problem with food, but I wasn't willing to admit that there was an emotional component to my overeating.  I lied to myself, saying that I just really enjoyed the taste and the social aspect.  Most of my lies to others are lies of omission.  I deliberately eat when my husband's not around so he won't know, and I hide the evidence.  Occasionally I outright lie about how much I ate, saying the kids had eaten some when they hadn't.

I've spent a lot of time during the last two years trying to understand my behavior.  Going to therapy, OA,  reading books, etc helps me to understand.  Knowledge and understanding is important, but then I have to be careful because it's too easy to blame my family of origin for my issues, instead of taking personal responsibility.

I used to like to say, "Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm still healthy!"  I can't say that anymore, now.  At about 150 lbs overweight, I have high blood pressure that probably should be managed with medication but isn't;  I'm probably pre-diabetic.  There's the obvious wear on my heart, joints, etc.  I have plantar fasciitis that makes walking difficult, and shortness of breath that makes moderate physical activity unpleasant.  I can't keep denying the effects on my physical health; my addiction will literally kill me if I don't stop this craziness.

Most of my 'suffering' from my food addiction is emotional.  I feel extreme shame and guilt, and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness.  The shame, guilt, and worthlessness crowd out other feelings, making it hard to fully enjoy life and be present in the moment.  I frequently feel depressed.  I have few friends; it's hard to feel close to people when I feel unworthy.  I avoid most social situations.  My feelings of inadequacy, shame, influence most every interaction.  There's the obvious stress on my marriage as well.  I can't understand why my husband wants to be with me, and I'm constantly thinking, "If I could just lose the weight, then I would feel deserving."

My food addiction and extra weight make it hard to be the mother and homemaker I want to be. My emotional baggage often gets in the way of being able to relate with my children the way I want, and I don't have the energy and stamina to keep up with the kids.  The house suffers because I either can't motivate myself to clean, or I don't have the energy to keep up with it.  I do have values like keeping a nice home, participating in community, taking care of my body, etc - but they are impossible to maintain at this point.

Most of my spirituality centers around nature.  I long to spend hot summer days in the garden, but the extra weight makes it difficult to be in the heat.  I would love to connect with nature more by hiking; I can't because I'm not fit.

Financially, my addiction isn't as much of a burden as some other addictions.  But I do spend money on junk food.  Ben & Jerry's is expensive.  Plus, being stuck in general avoidance mode means I avoid taking control of our finances in pretty much every way.

The crazy behaviors with my food addiction are embarrassing.  Hiding food and wrappers, lying about what I eat, planning my day around obtaining food.  I distract myself with needless projects, obsessing about planning vacations or home improvement projects, or even silly things like video games or TV shows.  I sign up for too many activities or responsibilities.  I try to do anything to keep myself from seeing the reality of my addiction.. but inevitably, I run out of steam with whatever projects, obsessions, or commitments I'm on and end up just stuck with myself, like always.

I manipulate my husband in relation to my food addiction.  I'll ask him to get me food from the store, coming up with excuses for him to enable me.  Then, if he doesn't eat something with me, I use guilt to manipulate him into eating so I don't feel as ashamed.

I do well with sharing my feelings in very specific circumstances.  I can share pretty much anything with my husband.  I can share most feelings with a good friend and my therapist.  I can talk about some things with my sister.  But the sharing I do is on an intellectual level.  I can speak the words of what I'm going through, but I don't really connect on a visceral level with my feelings.


Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.