Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

Addiction Histories

Overeating:

Ages 0-10:  I overate sweets for sure, but I wasn't that chubby until closer to 10.  The first time I remember being self-conscious was around 8.  I remember my grandmother giving me a hard time for wanting to put sugar on my Rice Krispies cereal.

Ages 11-18:  My overeating increased, as did my weight.  I started trying to diet around 12.  I was about 130 at 14, 180-190 at 18.  I was very ashamed of my weight, though I only occasionally got made fun of.  My mother was obsessed about my weight and tried everything she could think of to get me to diet (aside from actually providing and cooking healthy food, and modeling healthy emotional coping skills).  Around 14, she decided that we would all weigh ourselves together and when I protested, physically dragged me to the scale to weigh in.

Ages 19-25:  I lost close to 50 lbs at around 21, using Weight Watchers, but it didn't last.  My dad had lost a lot of weight at the same time, but when his sister passed away, we both slowly began eating unhealthfully again.  I ate more and more to cope with my insecurities and unhappiness.  I had my first child at 23 and second at 25, never gaining much weight throughout my pregnancies, though.  At 25, I weighed about 250 lbs.

Ages 26-Now (33):  My eating has gotten more and more out of control.  When my addiction is strong, I try to arrange my days so that I have the opportunity to buy sweets, preferably without my husband knowing.  I spend all day thinking about what I can eat.  My highest weight was a few months ago - 312 lbs.  Thankfully I'm down a bit now, but my addiction is still present.

Alcohol:

Ages 0-10:  I had a sip of my father's beer once or twice.

Ages 11-18:  I snuck a beer from the fridge on a handful of occasions, trying to be cool, but never drank much.

Ages 19-25:  Not a big drinker, never more than 3 drinks in a night, but the overall average was more like one drink a month.

Ages 26-Now:  I only drink rarely.  Sometimes my husband and I will drink one 6-pack over the course of a week, but then nothing for a few months.

Sexuality:

Ages 0-10:  Close to age 10, I became very curious about sex.

Ages 11-18:  Before meeting my husband (my only romantic relationship), my only sexual activity was fantasy, which I did engage in a lot.  I met my husband when I was about 16 and we became sexually active the year after.  I still engaged in a lot of fantasy.

Ages 19-25:  Had a relatively healthy sex life with my husband, though I was very insecure.  Still spent a lot of time engaged in fantasy to cope with my unhappiness in the relationship.

Ages 26-Now:  Engaged in more and more fantasy as I became less and less fulfilled in my marriage (as he was ramping up his addiction, unbeknownst to me).  After finding out about his addiction, during a brief separation, I went out with two men to experiment with physical contact with other people - since I'd only ever been with my husband.

Gambling:

n/a

Co-addiction:

Ages 0-10:  n/a

Ages 11-18:  My mother is a narcissist and an addict herself, so I was beginning to feel responsible for her emotional well-being.  We were very enmeshed, and my attempts to separate and individuate were not totally successful.

Ages 19-25:  Co-addiction with my mother continued, as well as beginning to worry a lot about my father's weight.

Ages 26-Now:  My co-addiction with my mother got quickly out of control after her health (first physical, then mental) began to rapidly decline after a gastric bypass surgery.  After finding out about my husband's addiction, that codependence spread to my relationship with him, though a lot of those behaviors can also be labeled traumatic response.

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I think it's obvious now that I've never known how to deal with life.  Starting with fantasy at such a young age, then food, then codependence - all have been ways to cope with or avoid my feelings and my life.   I've never really lived my life, fully, responsibly, mindfully... I've just thought about it, stuck in my head, scared to come out.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.