Step Two: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
I've gotten much better at asking for and accepting help from my higher power. When I was young, there was nobody I could turn to for help - not God, who was completely absent from my life (which later led me to atheism), nor my family or friends. I knew I needed to be self-sufficient. With access to the internet, I developed the ability to ask for help online, by way of researching topics relevant to my life and to decisions I needed to make. I cast a wide net, read everything I could, and then formed my own opinions and made my decisions, trusting fully in my reasoning abilities.
When I first came to Twelve Steps, I was skeptical of the new way of behaving that was suggested to me. I was very lucky in that most of the people in my group had great recovery and were (are) focused on working their program. I had a hard time letting go of my faith in myself, of my old ways, but as I saw how the members in my group had found serenity, I began to want what they had. I started trying to follow their suggestions, which coincidentally, were the same things my therapist was advising. I shouldn't have been surprised when this new way of behaving worked better than the old way, but I still was! I've come to accept that my old, ingrained way of thinking is not healthy and that even if I feel some resistance at first, trying to follow the collective wisdom of Twelve Steps, my therapist, and supporting books and even friends is a much better way of living my life. I've come to find serenity in many areas of my life, and I know that if I give up my old, stubborn ways when it comes to food, and try to adopt the OA way of thinking, I can find serenity there, too.
I will admit that I still struggle with the 'turning over' aspect of Step Three. So often I hear in groups that we should just let go and turn it over to God, and I feel like there's a giving-up of personal responsibility there. I admit that I may not know the whole story each time, but whenever I hear, "I was worried about X, so I decided to just turn it over to God," I cringe. For me, the turning over process has to include owning my personal responsibility. For instance - if I have physical symptoms of an illness, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God will take care of it. I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor, I'm going to educate myself as much as possible regarding whatever advice the doctor suggests, follow treatment to the best of my ability, and then let go of the outcome. If I suspect that my husband has had a relapse, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God takes care of it. I'm going to ask myself, "What do I need to do to take care of myself in this situation?" That may be calling friends from program, seeing my therapist, setting a boundary, etc. That's trusting my Higher Power (my healthy-thinking community) to show me how I should handle a situation to ensure that I am okay, then letting go of the outcome. With food.. well, I'm still struggling with that. I don't like the idea of following OA advice when it comes to food, not fully. There seems to be a prevailing belief that abstinence must be refraining from white sugar and flour, and no eating between meals. At this point in my life, I just can't turn over my food that fully. I do believe that refraining from compulsive eating is necessary, though, and I strive to do that daily, moment to moment. I'm not sure if that means I'm not really working Step Three, or if that means I'm being honest about what works for me and leaving what doesn't work for me. I don't know if it's my addict making that decision, or my healthy, recovered self.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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