Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Paths to Spirituality

Mindfulness:  I'm aware of mindfulness as a path to spirituality and serenity, but it's something I struggle with.  Like most other people, my life is full of what I often view as tedium.  I stay at home with four young children, so it's laundry, making meals, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, tending to boo-boos, breaking up fights, soothing hurt feelings.  I craft and sell on Etsy, and even that becomes rote, just another chore.  When I can stop and think about what I'm doing, be mindful and in the moment, I do notice a tremendous difference.  Making sandwiches for the kids, instead of grumbling about how long it takes and how boring it is, I can think about making food that will nourish my children's bodies and help them to grow, to have energy to play.  Instead of feeling exhausted at the prospect of breaking up another fight or soothing hurt feelings, I can be grateful to have the ability to teach my children better ways to relate and to cope with life, to be a more 'therapeutic mommy' (as my good friend calls herself) than my mother was.  To try to break the cycles present in my family.  When filling an Etsy order, instead of wishing I was doing something for myself, for fun, instead of focusing on the pain in my back or the cramp in my hand, I can envision how the buyer will use this gift, and appreciate it, and craft with a loving intention.

I also know that it's important for me to not check-out to the detriment of the present situation.  For instance, it's taken me an extraordinary amount of time to write this blog post because my four year old keeps coming up to me to give me snuggles.  I could get annoyed at him and tell him I'm trying to write, but instead I put down the laptop and give him all the cuddles he wants.

Nature:  Connecting with the earth is my best path to spirituality, the one I use the most, the one that gives me the most 'bang for the buck'.  In the last two years, I've really come to appreciate how important nature is to my well-being, and its importance is only growing.  This winter has been especially hard, with the endless cold and grey.  We moved to a new house in the fall, and while previously, I'd always been able to create a sanctuary for birds in our snowy backyard, I couldn't replicate it here.  To make up for it, I bought a lot of houseplants, and that helped some.  Now, though, spring is blooming, birds are coming to the feeders, and we've got lots of seedlings sprouting all over the place, in addition to our old friends the houseplants.  We've gone on hikes and to demonstrations at a wildlife center.  Even just taking the kids to the park is a spiritual experience for me.  I'm constantly looking for ways to 'plus' the experience - for instance, walking barefoot in the grass or sitting in the grass is better than just sitting on our deck in a lawn chair.  A park is good, but a park with friends is even better.  The beach is nice, but the dog beach with our lab is the best.

I can't state enough how important green, life, and sun is for me.  We're even considering moving out of the northeast to somewhere without a harsh winter, even if it means hotter and more humid summers.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Loss of Reality Inventory

No reality/loss of memories:  My first impulse was that I've never experienced this - a total loss of memories or reality.  But then I thought of how sometimes I'll be eating something, and then have no recollection of finishing it.  Or I'll start with a big bowl of ice cream and after some time, realize there's only a bite left, without really remembering eating most of it.

Distortion of reality (faulty thinking or beliefs):  Oh, there's so many of these.  I don't know if I'll be able to list them all!  Let's start specifically with food.  Eating is a way to feel loved.  I deserve to eat unhealthy food.  Eating unhealthy food is nurturing myself.  I can eat some unhealthy food and still lose weight.  That one bite doesn't really matter (which turns into that whole pint of ice cream doesn't really matter).  There will always be more time to lose weight.  Everyone eats unhealthy food like I do, but somehow they stay thin.  Also:  I'm only lovable if I'm thin AND smart AND funny AND outgoing.  I'm only lovable if I do things what other people want.  I'm only lovable if I don't have needs.  I'm only lovable if I'm perfect.

Ignoring reality:  When have I ignored reality and suffered the consequences?  How about every time I ate something and gained weight?  When I swore to lose weight for a trip, and kept telling myself I still had plenty of time, and then the trip came and I was still out of shape and overweight?  There are endless examples of this.  Even things like ignoring bills end badly, obviously.  I don't think I've ever escaped the consequences of ignoring reality.

In the past, when I've asked for help following a loss of reality, my expectations have not been based in reality.  I've expected someone to rescue me, someone with a magical, easy cure for whatever's gone wrong.  Why can't my therapist snap her fingers and make my distorted, faulty thinking disappear?  Why can't someone pay my bills for me?  Why can't this pill make me lose weight?

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Grocery Shopping

I have to go grocery shopping today.  I have a real love/hate relationship with grocery stores, and I've been trying to let my husband do most of the shopping so I'm not tempted to buy unhealthy foods.  But it didn't work out this weekend, so..

I've been looking around for good recipes to try.  I have to admit, I'm a little picky.  It needs to be easy.  Like.. really easy.  I don't eat mushrooms or avocados, either, so there's that.

I found this website, which has a ton of great recipes:  101 Healthy Low Carb Recipes That Taste Incredible.  But nothing there was really jumping out at me.  Plus, there's lots of avocado.  I don't really want to eat Paleo, either.. been there, done that.  But if that's what you're looking for, the above is a great site for low carb, Paleo recipes.

I did see a couple recipes for Ham, Pear, and Swiss sandwiches that look right up my alley.  Allrecipes.com has one, and another one is at Bake at 350 (I'd probably omit most of the butter and use whole wheat instead of sourdough).

Slender Kitchen has a great recipe for fried rice, and she's even calculated the Weight Watchers points for you!  I'd add chicken to bulk it up, I think, but that sounds pretty easy.. especially since I could cook a bunch of it for dinner and then have leftovers for a few days of lunches.

Speaking of Slender Kitchen, I was browsing the slow-cooker section and found a Jerk Chicken recipe I think I'll make tomorrow.  My husband will be excited!

Think I've got enough to put together a shopping list now.. wish me luck!

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

I've gotten much better at asking for and accepting help from my higher power.  When I was young, there was nobody I could turn to for help - not God, who was completely absent from my life (which later led me to atheism), nor my family or friends.  I knew I needed to be self-sufficient.  With access to the internet, I developed the ability to ask for help online, by way of researching topics relevant to my life and to decisions I needed to make.  I cast a wide net, read everything I could, and then formed my own opinions and made my decisions, trusting fully in my reasoning abilities.

When I first came to Twelve Steps, I was skeptical of the new way of behaving that was suggested to me.  I was very lucky in that most of the people in my group had great recovery and were (are) focused on working their program.  I had a hard time letting go of my faith in myself, of my old ways, but as I saw how the members in my group had found serenity, I began to want what they had.  I started trying to follow their suggestions, which coincidentally, were the same things my therapist was advising.  I shouldn't have been surprised when this new way of behaving worked better than the old way, but I still was!  I've come to accept that my old, ingrained way of thinking is not healthy and that even if I feel some resistance at first, trying to follow the collective wisdom of Twelve Steps, my therapist, and supporting books and even friends is a much better way of living my life.  I've come to find serenity in many areas of my life, and I know that if I give up my old, stubborn ways when it comes to food, and try to adopt the OA way of thinking, I can find serenity there, too.

I will admit that I still struggle with the 'turning over' aspect of Step Three.  So often I hear in groups that we should just let go and turn it over to God, and I feel like there's a giving-up of personal responsibility there.  I admit that I may not know the whole story each time, but whenever I hear, "I was worried about X, so I decided to just turn it over to God," I cringe.  For me, the turning over process has to include owning my personal responsibility.  For instance - if I have physical symptoms of an illness, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God will take care of it.  I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor, I'm going to educate myself as much as possible regarding whatever advice the doctor suggests, follow treatment to the best of my ability, and then let go of the outcome.  If I suspect that my husband has had a relapse, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God takes care of it.  I'm going to ask myself, "What do I need to do to take care of myself in this situation?"  That may be calling friends from program, seeing my therapist, setting a boundary, etc.  That's trusting my Higher Power (my healthy-thinking community) to show me how I should handle a situation to ensure that I am okay, then letting go of the outcome.  With food.. well, I'm still struggling with that.  I don't like the idea of following OA advice when it comes to food, not fully.  There seems to be a prevailing belief that abstinence must be refraining from white sugar and flour, and no eating between meals.  At this point in my life, I just can't turn over my food that fully.  I do believe that refraining from compulsive eating is necessary, though, and I strive to do that daily, moment to moment.  I'm not sure if that means I'm not really working Step Three, or if that means I'm being honest about what works for me and leaving what doesn't work for me.  I don't know if it's my addict making that decision, or my healthy, recovered self.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Check-In

Progress with weight loss is going a little slower than I'd hoped, but maybe that's not a bad thing.  I'm down to 288.2 lbs today.  I started at 312 back in January, so not too bad I guess.  I'm being forgiving with food, which is both good and bad.  The good is that I don't feel like I screwed up and need to just give up if I end up having something less than healthy - making diet changes the way I have been has let me focus on the bigger picture than worrying about every bite that I take, which keeps me making slow progress.  But the bad part is that it is slow progress.. very slow.

Warmer weather means I've been a little more active than usual, going to the parks and whatnot with the kids.  But I know that making a concerted effort to exercise would really help, and I keep promising myself I'll do it, only to be too tired.  And yes, I do know that exercising will help increase my energy levels.. and somehow I still can't bring myself to do it.  Maybe I should tap on my reluctance to exercise.

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Higher Power Attitude Index

The six words I chose from a list of 24 adjectives to describe God are:  absent, nonexistent, hoax, imaginary, fanciful, and unreal.

The words I chose fall under the 'nonexistent' category, obviously.  I haven't believed in the traditional concept of God for a long time.

The words I chose could also be used to describe how my mother 'helped' me during my childhood.  She was often absent, either physically or mentally.  She was either busy with her job, busy with housework, or emotionally unavailable.  Any help she did try to give me was 'imaginary, unreal, nonexistent."

My definition of 'Higher Power' has changed a lot.  When I was a young child, I believed in the God that my mother believed in.  By around 11-12 years of age, I became an atheist.  I'm not sure anyone influenced that - it just seemed like a logical conclusion.  In my early 20's, I became interested in Earth-based spirituality.  I still didn't believe in God, but I believed in the 'miracle' of nature and life.  During my 20's, I believed I was my own Higher Power.  I had full faith in my intellect and my ability to made good decisions and take care of myself.  I knew that, given the information I needed to make a decision (which the Internet and books always provided), I was able to make the 'right' decision every time.  It wasn't until getting into recovery with my husband that I began to see the error of my ways.

In my other Twelve Step program, I began to redefine my Higher Power.  I could no longer say that my intellect was all I needed or that my thinking, reasoning, and decision-making was sound.  I saw myself doing crazy, illogical things - things that I had previously thought made total sense.  I started trying to follow the suggestions given to me in program, to listen to the experience, strength, and hope I heard from my fellow members.  I was amazed to see that this new way of behaving worked better than what I'd done in the past, and I began to have faith in the group.  My group was my Higher Power.  Gradually, I've broadened that definition to include the community that I chose to include in my life, from my first Twelve Step group, to OA, to my therapist, to healthy, recovery-minded friends, and so on.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

In the Gentle Path book, Steps Two and Three are combined.  The chapter starts with a "Openness to Spirituality - Self Assessment" quiz.  The questions are:

In a grocery store, when searching for something you cannot find, do you:  keep searching until you find it, or ask for help.

When putting something together from a kit, do you:  follow directions carefully, quickly go through the instructions only when you get stuck, or figure it out for yourself.

When you are personally in pain and need support, do you usually:  talk to people immediately, wait until the crisis is over and then tell people, or get through it the best way you can without help.

For the first two questions, I ask for help and follow directions.  For the last one, I vary between all three.

The idea is that most addicts and co-addicts get stuck in a pattern of not asking for help, of going it alone with their problems.  This pattern can hinder Steps Two and Three, and recovery in general, as we need to ask for help from our Higher Power to find recovery.  The Gentle Path book asks you to examine people in your life and how they affect your ability to ask for and receive help.

Dad:  I've always been able to ask Dad for help when I need it.  He's generally nonjudgmental and supportive, and has never made me feel stupid or dumb for asking questions or for help.  He's a good teacher, usually patient, and explains things without being condescending.  He never really made me feel bad when I made a mistake.

Mom:  I could never really ask Mom for help.  She would always become overbearing, making the problem her problem, becoming overly emotional about it to the point where I felt responsible for her feelings, or demanding I follow her course of action, or just generally overshadowing me.  She is also very blame oriented and would either blame/shame me, or someone else who frequently didn't deserve it.  Taking personal responsibility was never modeled.  She is not a good teacher, often losing her patience, and always expecting you to know how to do something without being taught.

Sister:  As an adult, I know I can use my sister as a source of support and ask her for help, but I often feel like, as the older sister, I shouldn't rely on her.  I feel protective of her and don't want to burden her with my issues.  This isn't really because of anything she's done, though.  She's generally helpful and considerate.  This question doesn't really apply to my childhood, though, as she's much younger than I am.

Grandmother:  My grandmother often lived with us when I was growing up.  She wasn't the perfect teacher as far as showing patience went, but she was always happy to explain things and teach me homemaking-type skills.  She was very generous and while I didn't ask her for help too much, I always knew that she would always do whatever she could to help me.

Teachers:  Most teachers were pretty helpful.  I generally had a good experience in school and knew I could go to my teachers for help if I needed it.  The one exception was a teacher in 6th grade - have a clear memory of her being distinctly unhelpful in a certain situation, and of feeling very stupid for asking her about something.

The next step is to select from a list of adjectives, feelings that arise when it becomes necessary to ask for help.  The ones I identify with are:  vulnerable, uncertain, tentative.  The list of adjectives are then arranged into four categories:  dependence, counterdependence, independence, and interdependence.  The adjectives I chose all fall under the heading of dependence, which is defined as "We need and want help."

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.