Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

Powerless Inventory:  Listing all times I have been powerless to stop my behavior.

I'm not sure how to approach this journaling prompt.  I mean, obviously I've been powerless to stop my behavior.  Every time I've said on a Sunday night, "Okay, this is it, tomorrow will be a fresh start" - and then not followed through.  Every time I go into a store and say, "Only get what you need," and walk out with a candy bar.  Every time I've eaten the kids' cookies or candy or whatever, despite the fact that I know I shouldn't.  There's no way I can write an exhaustive list.

Maybe instead, I'll keep a 'current' powerlessness inventory.  Every time I currently experience powerlessness, I'll update this post.  For now, I'll write about my powerlessness this past weekend.

Originally, our plan involved an errand near my favorite bakery, which is an hour away.  I haven't been there in two or three years, and it was the bakery that made our wedding cake.  We're rarely in that area, so the plan was to swing by and get some goodies as a 'rare' treat.  Well, on Saturday I called to check their hours for Sunday and was very disappointed to hear that they're closed on Sundays.  So that night, when we did our family fun night, I ate s'mores with the kids, which I'd been planning on skipping.  I told myself that it was a trade-off, and that besides, two s'mores aren't as unhealthy as what I'd been planning on eating anyway.  Then on Sunday, I was in the grocery store with the kids, killing time, and they wanted snacks.  Instead of abstaining myself, I got a muffin right along with them.  Later in the day, when I did the weekly shopping trip, I picked up a candy bar, too.

I hate admitting these things.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Aspects of Addiction

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food.  I fantasizing about great food (vacation foods, special treats, etc) I've enjoyed in the past, or that I hope to enjoy in the future (the Internet's food porn can be hard to avoid).  I spend time thinking about cravings I'm having, I imagine eating, and most of all - I plan out opportunities to eat, scheming to find an excuse to go to the store or some reason to indulge in a special treat.

Likewise, I also expend a lot of effort in trying to control my addiction.  If I'm not actively dieting, using EFT, going to therapy, OA meetings, or the gym, then I'm thinking about it.

I spent a lot of my life lying to myself.  I knew I had a problem with food, but I wasn't willing to admit that there was an emotional component to my overeating.  I lied to myself, saying that I just really enjoyed the taste and the social aspect.  Most of my lies to others are lies of omission.  I deliberately eat when my husband's not around so he won't know, and I hide the evidence.  Occasionally I outright lie about how much I ate, saying the kids had eaten some when they hadn't.

I've spent a lot of time during the last two years trying to understand my behavior.  Going to therapy, OA,  reading books, etc helps me to understand.  Knowledge and understanding is important, but then I have to be careful because it's too easy to blame my family of origin for my issues, instead of taking personal responsibility.

I used to like to say, "Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm still healthy!"  I can't say that anymore, now.  At about 150 lbs overweight, I have high blood pressure that probably should be managed with medication but isn't;  I'm probably pre-diabetic.  There's the obvious wear on my heart, joints, etc.  I have plantar fasciitis that makes walking difficult, and shortness of breath that makes moderate physical activity unpleasant.  I can't keep denying the effects on my physical health; my addiction will literally kill me if I don't stop this craziness.

Most of my 'suffering' from my food addiction is emotional.  I feel extreme shame and guilt, and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness.  The shame, guilt, and worthlessness crowd out other feelings, making it hard to fully enjoy life and be present in the moment.  I frequently feel depressed.  I have few friends; it's hard to feel close to people when I feel unworthy.  I avoid most social situations.  My feelings of inadequacy, shame, influence most every interaction.  There's the obvious stress on my marriage as well.  I can't understand why my husband wants to be with me, and I'm constantly thinking, "If I could just lose the weight, then I would feel deserving."

My food addiction and extra weight make it hard to be the mother and homemaker I want to be. My emotional baggage often gets in the way of being able to relate with my children the way I want, and I don't have the energy and stamina to keep up with the kids.  The house suffers because I either can't motivate myself to clean, or I don't have the energy to keep up with it.  I do have values like keeping a nice home, participating in community, taking care of my body, etc - but they are impossible to maintain at this point.

Most of my spirituality centers around nature.  I long to spend hot summer days in the garden, but the extra weight makes it difficult to be in the heat.  I would love to connect with nature more by hiking; I can't because I'm not fit.

Financially, my addiction isn't as much of a burden as some other addictions.  But I do spend money on junk food.  Ben & Jerry's is expensive.  Plus, being stuck in general avoidance mode means I avoid taking control of our finances in pretty much every way.

The crazy behaviors with my food addiction are embarrassing.  Hiding food and wrappers, lying about what I eat, planning my day around obtaining food.  I distract myself with needless projects, obsessing about planning vacations or home improvement projects, or even silly things like video games or TV shows.  I sign up for too many activities or responsibilities.  I try to do anything to keep myself from seeing the reality of my addiction.. but inevitably, I run out of steam with whatever projects, obsessions, or commitments I'm on and end up just stuck with myself, like always.

I manipulate my husband in relation to my food addiction.  I'll ask him to get me food from the store, coming up with excuses for him to enable me.  Then, if he doesn't eat something with me, I use guilt to manipulate him into eating so I don't feel as ashamed.

I do well with sharing my feelings in very specific circumstances.  I can share pretty much anything with my husband.  I can share most feelings with a good friend and my therapist.  I can talk about some things with my sister.  But the sharing I do is on an intellectual level.  I can speak the words of what I'm going through, but I don't really connect on a visceral level with my feelings.


Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

History of Abuse

I never used to think of myself as having been abused. But I was, in 'small' ways.

My mother is a narcissist.  If your mother isn't a narcissist, this might be hard to understand.  If you've never known a narcissist, it's probably impossible to understand.  Everything is about my mother.  When I was a child, if I got hurt (physically or emotionally), my pain was unimportant - what mattered was how my mother felt about it.  She does the same thing with my kids.. if one of them falls down or something, she'll say, "Oh, I'm so upset you got hurt!  I hate to see you hurt!  That scared me so much!"  Similarly, if I had a triumph, it wasn't because I had tried hard or was skilled or lucky or whatever, it was about her.  My grades weren't proof of my hard work, but of hers.  Or she'd even brag through genetics, if she hadn't actually had a hand in what I'd done.  Growing up, receiving those messages, I felt completely unseen, unheard, and unimportant.

Beyond that, she made me feel as if I was never good enough - I could never live up to her expectations.  I have a vivid memory of doing an illustration of a book report that my mother didn't think was good enough.  She drew her own version and had me pass it off as my own.  When I got it back from the teacher, graded, there was a note on it that said, "I don't think you drew this."  That's just one of many, many examples.  She would have me rewrite homework and thank you notes over and over again because it wasn't neat enough.  She was the same with housework.  Everything had to be spotless, and if you left something out where you shouldn't, you got screamed at.  She would also talk to me about how my father's side of the family didn't like us, how they spoiled their other children but not my father, and how they would take their other grandchildren on vacation, lavish them with gifts, and take them on special outings.  All of which further reinforced the idea that there was obviously something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough nor deserving of their love.

As a narcissist, my mom was always emotionally unavailable.  In addition, she was frequently 'too busy' - with housework, actual work, daycare kids she watched, my sister, etc.  When I was a teenager, I would wait up late for her to come home from work.  She threw herself into her work, using at as a way to escape (remember, she is also an addict).  I remember her saying things like, "You make me wish I was at work!"

I also had very little privacy - Mom loved to snoop.  She would even keep things I had thrown out.  During my bridal shower, she pulled out a poem I had written when I was 12 to a boy I'd had a crush on.  She wanted to read it to all of the guests - mostly people I worked with.  It was humiliating and I started to cry - something I never do in front of other people.  She had no boundaries.  She asked me to keep secrets about what she had bought or what we had eaten.  She confided in me about my parents' money troubles and told me all about fights she had with my father.

The confusing thing is that narcissists are so good at getting people to buy their bullshit stories.  Everyone - family, friends, co-workers, etc - has thought of my mother as generous, selfless, kind to a fault, and so on.  The persona she has created began to slip after her health problems began - but I only truly came to see it within the last two years, thanks to a lot of therapy and self-discovery.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

Addiction Histories

Overeating:

Ages 0-10:  I overate sweets for sure, but I wasn't that chubby until closer to 10.  The first time I remember being self-conscious was around 8.  I remember my grandmother giving me a hard time for wanting to put sugar on my Rice Krispies cereal.

Ages 11-18:  My overeating increased, as did my weight.  I started trying to diet around 12.  I was about 130 at 14, 180-190 at 18.  I was very ashamed of my weight, though I only occasionally got made fun of.  My mother was obsessed about my weight and tried everything she could think of to get me to diet (aside from actually providing and cooking healthy food, and modeling healthy emotional coping skills).  Around 14, she decided that we would all weigh ourselves together and when I protested, physically dragged me to the scale to weigh in.

Ages 19-25:  I lost close to 50 lbs at around 21, using Weight Watchers, but it didn't last.  My dad had lost a lot of weight at the same time, but when his sister passed away, we both slowly began eating unhealthfully again.  I ate more and more to cope with my insecurities and unhappiness.  I had my first child at 23 and second at 25, never gaining much weight throughout my pregnancies, though.  At 25, I weighed about 250 lbs.

Ages 26-Now (33):  My eating has gotten more and more out of control.  When my addiction is strong, I try to arrange my days so that I have the opportunity to buy sweets, preferably without my husband knowing.  I spend all day thinking about what I can eat.  My highest weight was a few months ago - 312 lbs.  Thankfully I'm down a bit now, but my addiction is still present.

Alcohol:

Ages 0-10:  I had a sip of my father's beer once or twice.

Ages 11-18:  I snuck a beer from the fridge on a handful of occasions, trying to be cool, but never drank much.

Ages 19-25:  Not a big drinker, never more than 3 drinks in a night, but the overall average was more like one drink a month.

Ages 26-Now:  I only drink rarely.  Sometimes my husband and I will drink one 6-pack over the course of a week, but then nothing for a few months.

Sexuality:

Ages 0-10:  Close to age 10, I became very curious about sex.

Ages 11-18:  Before meeting my husband (my only romantic relationship), my only sexual activity was fantasy, which I did engage in a lot.  I met my husband when I was about 16 and we became sexually active the year after.  I still engaged in a lot of fantasy.

Ages 19-25:  Had a relatively healthy sex life with my husband, though I was very insecure.  Still spent a lot of time engaged in fantasy to cope with my unhappiness in the relationship.

Ages 26-Now:  Engaged in more and more fantasy as I became less and less fulfilled in my marriage (as he was ramping up his addiction, unbeknownst to me).  After finding out about his addiction, during a brief separation, I went out with two men to experiment with physical contact with other people - since I'd only ever been with my husband.

Gambling:

n/a

Co-addiction:

Ages 0-10:  n/a

Ages 11-18:  My mother is a narcissist and an addict herself, so I was beginning to feel responsible for her emotional well-being.  We were very enmeshed, and my attempts to separate and individuate were not totally successful.

Ages 19-25:  Co-addiction with my mother continued, as well as beginning to worry a lot about my father's weight.

Ages 26-Now:  My co-addiction with my mother got quickly out of control after her health (first physical, then mental) began to rapidly decline after a gastric bypass surgery.  After finding out about my husband's addiction, that codependence spread to my relationship with him, though a lot of those behaviors can also be labeled traumatic response.

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I think it's obvious now that I've never known how to deal with life.  Starting with fantasy at such a young age, then food, then codependence - all have been ways to cope with or avoid my feelings and my life.   I've never really lived my life, fully, responsibly, mindfully... I've just thought about it, stuck in my head, scared to come out.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

There is a lot of addiction in my family.  It's funny, though.. I never really noticed it growing up, or even during my twenties.  I mean, there were a few obvious instances of addiction, but I didn't understand that a lot of my family's weirdness was actually addiction.

Even though this blog is anonymous, I'm not going to say my mom has this, my dad has this, etc.  Instead, I'll lay it out for you like this:  out of twenty-five parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and adult cousins (I'm not counting my kid cousins), eighteen have major addictions.  Four food addicts, twelve smokers, two or three sex addicts, seven alcoholics, nine drug addicts (including one fatal overdose and one HIV death from IV drug use), a workaholic, and more codependents/co-addicts than I can count.  If I include my grandparents' siblings and their parents, we get more sex addiction and alcoholism, and who knows what else.

Like I said, it's only recently that I've been able to see the disease and dysfunction throughout my family.  I never thought that my family was so full of addiction, but it is.  Clearly there is not much education about emotional health, proper coping skills, and life skills in general.  It's reassuring to see that my weight problems and life unmanageability isn't something inherently wrong with me, but that I just never had a chance with such poor role models for healthy behavior.

Obviously, my family doesn't give me a free pass to behave however I want.  I can say "I'm this way because of my family," but I can't say, "I can't do anything about it."  It's helpful to know some of the origins of my behaviors because it helps me move past those behaviors and learn a healthier way to live.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.

My life is unmanageable.  I am powerless.  I need help.

I have many emotional consequences to my overeating.  I have felt extreme  hopelessness and despair - almost to the point of being suicidal.  I have felt like I am two different people - the 'normal' woman and the fat woman.  My emotions swing from extremes with little provocation.  I often fantasize about a better life and sometimes lose touch with reality.  I have very little self esteem.  I've tried so hard to control this addiction and failed every time - leaving me with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame.  That leads me to isolate and feel lonely.  I'm exhausted and afraid of the future.

The physical consequences of overeating are pretty obvious, though thankfully aren't as bad as they could be - yet.  I'm over 150 lbs overweight.  This causes tremendous stress on my  heart - I'm terrified I'll have a heart attack any day.  My blood pressure is elevated and I'm probably pre-diabetic.  Thankfully my cholesterol isn't that bad.  I have no energy.  I have no stamina for physical exercise.  I get winded all the time.  Back aches are frequent.  My feet, legs and his hurt often.  Knees, too.

My addiction and weight problem cause a lot of problems in my marriage.  I feel repulsive and reluctant to have sex.  I feel like he doesn't want to be seen in public with me, that he's ashamed of me.  I can't do a lot of activities with him that I'd like to do.  I feel so unlovable.  How do you have a relationship with someone when you don't feel worthy of it?  When you feel less than, in every way?

My weight also causes problems with my kids.  On the most extreme level, I'm afraid that I'll die and leave them without a mother.  To be less dramatic,I can't be as active with them as I'd like.  I run out of energy too quickly when we're playing.  Because of my self-consciousness and certainty that people don't like me, I don't get them as many playdates as I think they should have.  It's very difficult for me to form friendships.  I'm also scared the kids will pick up my bad habits.

My lack of energy also makes it hard for me to keep the house looking like I want it to.  I fee like a terrible housewife.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.