Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Avoiding Personal Responsibility
Wow, is this one a doozy. Give specific examples of when I have avoided taking personal responsibility for my behavior. Well, the big one is coming up with excuses (any excuses) not to do my Fourth Step! But here are some others:
When I'm running late for anything, I run down a list of possible (untrue) excuses, anything from, "I hit every red light" to "We had to stop for an emergency bathroom break for the kids" to "I got a phone call I had to take and I don't like driving while on the phone" to "The line at the check out was ridiculous!" Honestly, I use my kids as a scapegoat a lot, and I feel ashamed about it.
When we're having people over and I haven't cleaned up the house to my satisfaction, I make up excuses, like "I was up all night with my little one, and just couldn't get as much done as I wanted," or "We were out really late last night, so I only had a few minutes to pick up this morning," etc, etc.
If I bump into a financial issue that I don't want to solve or don't want to admit I screwed up, I always look for a way to blame my husband. I can't tell you how many times I've told creditors on the phone, "I'm not sure about that, my husband does the finances, but I'll talk to him about it and have him call you back."
Speaking of finances, my main way of avoiding responsibility is just denial, with a heavy dose of procrastination. "Oh, I'll do it later" or "Oh, it'll work out somehow."
Weight-wise, I place a lot of blame on my family of origin for the predicament I'm in now. "They're all food addicts, too, I didn't have a chance." "If only my mother raised me better," "If only she wasn't a narcissist," "If only my father protected me from her," and so on, and so on. "I'm in this mess because my mother didn't know how to parent." Which in a lot of ways, is true, but that doesn't excuse me from not taking personal responsibility now, as an adult.
I come up with many, many excuses for not doing the work I need to do now. "I'm tired." "There are too many stressful things going on right now, I need to 'take care of myself'" - which should not mean eating junk food, but it does. "I meant to exercise today, but I was just too busy" - when I wasn't. And on and on and on.
Sometimes I even try to find a way to blame my husband for my lack of success in losing weight. "He's not being supportive enough." "Maybe he really wants me to be fat, so he feels more secure."
How about, "Oh, you want to cuddle? Absolutely, I don't need to be working on my Fourth Step!" (true story)
I am the queen of rationalizations, excuses, blaming, denial, and procrastination.
Taking Personal Responsibility
Despite just beginning Step Four, I have tried to do Step Ten as much as possible. While I haven't wanted to look too much into my past or into my character defects in general, I have tried to own up to things that I've done that were wrong.
With my husband, when I get crazy/mean/bitchy about certain things, I apologize and, if applicable, explain what I was really upset about. I try to make amends.
I have spent lots of time in therapy, learning new ways of dealing with people. I have broken out of a lot of old, maladaptive patterns, especially when it comes to interacting with my mother.
Having spent a few years in Twelve Step groups, I have come to realize the unmanageability I experienced in regards to a different addiction, and apologized for several of those behaviors. The specifics range from admitting that I was trying to manage my husband's recovery (and then stopping doing it) to apologizing for dumping my problems onto other people (oversharing).
I have also come to recognize some less than ideal parenting behaviors and learned how to respond differently. I've accepted that how I handled certain situations in the past wasn't ideal and do pretty well at not behaving that way anymore, though I still slip up from time to time - thankfully, I'm much quicker to apologize now.
I've been dreading making some doctor appointments, both for me and for the children. I finally admitted to myself that I was just procrastinating for no good reason, and made the appointments.
Misuse of Anger
I realized the biggest misuse of anger I experience thanks to a wonderful therapist. I realized that a lot of time, by overeating, I'm saying a big, "Fuck You" to my mother - who tried very hard to control my eating and my weight, while overindulging and being overweight herself. It's not always the top reason why I overeat, but even at low stress times, there's usually an element of "I'm going to do what I want, and to hell with [my mother, society's expectations, etc]." There's a huge rebellious aspect to my eating.
I've also held on to anger, and purposely stoked it, as a way of protecting myself against my husband - protecting myself from the pain in case he relapses, and as an excuse not to build intimacy (out of fear of being hurt again).
I've used anger to distract me from my personal responsibility. When we moved, our landlord was a jerk about returning our security deposit, and I think he grossly overcharged us for repairs he needed to make. I let that anger consume me, so I didn't have to think about the ways I did contribute to our security deposit getting eaten into.
I've also used anger as a reason to eat (in a non-rebellious way) - "I'm so angry at my husband, I need to eat to soothe myself" or "I'm so angry about [some minor thing], but I don't want to be a grump to the kids; I better eat to cheer myself up so I can be happy for them."
Positive Expression of Anger
My anger about my mother's inappropriate behavior led me to set firm boundaries to protect me and my family.
My anger at my husband/his addiction helped me find my own self-worth and self-respect.
I got angry with my husband over some financial secret keeping and expressed myself appropriately, which helped me let go of the anger instead of letting it fester.
Ditto to some inappropriate behavior of my husband's relating to a car.
--------------
I'm going to have to come back to some of these, because I'm sure there are more aspects to these questions that I'm not seeing right now. Hopefully letting things percolate will bring more issues to the surface.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Showing posts with label OA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OA. Show all posts
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Monday, January 12, 2015
Steps Two and Three
Step Two: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Spiritual Affirmations
These are the affirmations I find most appealing from the Gentle Path book:
I am connected to my planet. I experience the sky, the wind, the rain, and all the elements of my environment. I am aware of the cycle of life. Each day brings greater awareness of my place in this universe.
I have an inner, true voice that is in harmony with the universe. Each day I develop greater acuity and discernment in interpreting my voice's clear messages to me.
My body is my primary vehicle for embracing the awe of my world. Each day I nurture and tend to it. Stretching my body brings energy, strength, and confidence to face my struggles.
My wounds are my teachers. I am open to their lessons.
Promises
These are the OA promises which appeal to me the most:
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
I am creating a page of affirmations, promises, and other miscellaneous bits and pieces that I want to read every morning when I wake up, and every night when I go to bed. This idea is from the Beck Diet Solution.
One Year To Live Fantasy
I'm finding this exercise to be really emotional. Maybe in part because, at over 150 lbs overweight, there is a possibility that I could be dead in a year. I don't have any illusions about the state of my health, and I'm constantly afraid that death is just around the corner.
If I were to receive news that I only had a year to live, I would be a wreck. I don't know how I would function. I'm sure I would tell my husband, and probably my sister and my father right away. I think my immediate reaction would be to just want to curl up in bed, surrounded my family.
The changes I would make in my life would center around my family. I would cut out as many distractions as possible. Forget spending afternoons goofing around on the internet. Drop pretty much everything that took me away from my children. I would focus on being engaged and present with my family. Get rid of the phone. I would try to make as many good memories for my children as possible. I would work to find acceptance: of myself, and of them, and of my husband. Of the rest of my family. I would find a way to spend more time with my family that lives far away.
I would do the things I'm embarrassed to do because of my size. I would wear a bathing suit to the beach or to the water park and swim with my family. I would laugh, I would run and play. I would sing loudly and terribly. I would stop being afraid of being seen. I would want to be seen - to be remembered - to leave some sort of mark on this world, even if just in people's memories. I would be outside all the time. Because it's a fantasy, and in fantasies we are all rich - I would go to Iceland and Wales.
I would be kind to people. I would stop procrastinating about service projects, I would volunteer and have my children join me, to teach them the joy in giving to others.
I would tell people that I love them. Not just my family, but friends, too. Even friends I haven't been in touch with in years, but who meant something to me in other times of my life. I would accept people as they are, greatly flawed and all, and tell them that I love them, regardless. I would write letters of acceptance, forgiveness, and love, so that those who don't hear me the first time can read my words after I'm gone.
I would write letters, letters and letters to my children, explaining who I am, why I did the things I did, why I made the choices I made, and how, above all, they have been the brightest and most wonderful part of my life. I would tell them all the amazing, fantastic, completely loveable things about themselves, so that they will know, without a doubt and for the rest of their lives, that they are worthwhile and so loved.
My last fling - I feel silly about this, but I would spend time in Disney World. I would ride all the rides, including the water slides, I would meet the characters and hug them all. I would put down the camera and watch the joy on my children's faces. I would laugh, a lot.
I would make sure my husband was by my side for all of it. Every last bit.
I would find a cabin in the woods, with a stream running next to it, to spend my last few days. It doesn't really matter where, so long as it's warm enough to be outside.
----------
Looking back on my answers, I think there are a few things that are pretty obvious. First, my children are clearly the most important thing to me (followed closely by my husband). I wouldn't care if I never got to travel or sky dive or anything like that, so long as I got to love my children. Laughter and silliness - joy- are high up on my list of priorities.
I think it's also revealing that I wouldn't actually make many drastic changes. The journaling prompts read, "During the fantasy, you may have found yourself doing things significantly differently from how you live now. Why would this be so? If they were so important to get done, what prevents you from doing them now?" Yes, I can cut back on time I spend on the internet or on my phone, and I probably should. But as far as cutting out all things that take me away from my kids - well, I can't actually do that in real life. Most of the things I would want to do involve things I already do, just more: laugh more, love more, validate more, accept more. The one big change that I could conceivably do would be to stop letting my weight get in the way.
Just imagine the life I could lead if I could move easier, if I could actually run around with my kids at the park, if I could keep up with them, if I could climb all those stairs at the water park. That's the change I really need to make, to live the life I dream of, to live the life I'd lead if I only had a year to live.
"How do you feel about facing your own death?" Honestly, that's a topic I do my damnedest to avoid thinking about. Death terrifies me. As in, gives me a panic attack when I'm not a person who has panic attacks. I don't believe in god or in an afterlife. That we have just a set amount of time on this earth, and then it ends - just snuffs out like a candle - oh my god. And given that I'm absolutely terrified of dying, it makes absolutely no sense that I don't take care of my body, to try to extend my time here as long as possible. That's absolutely insane.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Spiritual Affirmations
These are the affirmations I find most appealing from the Gentle Path book:
I am connected to my planet. I experience the sky, the wind, the rain, and all the elements of my environment. I am aware of the cycle of life. Each day brings greater awareness of my place in this universe.
I have an inner, true voice that is in harmony with the universe. Each day I develop greater acuity and discernment in interpreting my voice's clear messages to me.
My body is my primary vehicle for embracing the awe of my world. Each day I nurture and tend to it. Stretching my body brings energy, strength, and confidence to face my struggles.
My wounds are my teachers. I am open to their lessons.
Promises
These are the OA promises which appeal to me the most:
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
I am creating a page of affirmations, promises, and other miscellaneous bits and pieces that I want to read every morning when I wake up, and every night when I go to bed. This idea is from the Beck Diet Solution.
One Year To Live Fantasy
I'm finding this exercise to be really emotional. Maybe in part because, at over 150 lbs overweight, there is a possibility that I could be dead in a year. I don't have any illusions about the state of my health, and I'm constantly afraid that death is just around the corner.
If I were to receive news that I only had a year to live, I would be a wreck. I don't know how I would function. I'm sure I would tell my husband, and probably my sister and my father right away. I think my immediate reaction would be to just want to curl up in bed, surrounded my family.
The changes I would make in my life would center around my family. I would cut out as many distractions as possible. Forget spending afternoons goofing around on the internet. Drop pretty much everything that took me away from my children. I would focus on being engaged and present with my family. Get rid of the phone. I would try to make as many good memories for my children as possible. I would work to find acceptance: of myself, and of them, and of my husband. Of the rest of my family. I would find a way to spend more time with my family that lives far away.
I would do the things I'm embarrassed to do because of my size. I would wear a bathing suit to the beach or to the water park and swim with my family. I would laugh, I would run and play. I would sing loudly and terribly. I would stop being afraid of being seen. I would want to be seen - to be remembered - to leave some sort of mark on this world, even if just in people's memories. I would be outside all the time. Because it's a fantasy, and in fantasies we are all rich - I would go to Iceland and Wales.
I would be kind to people. I would stop procrastinating about service projects, I would volunteer and have my children join me, to teach them the joy in giving to others.
I would tell people that I love them. Not just my family, but friends, too. Even friends I haven't been in touch with in years, but who meant something to me in other times of my life. I would accept people as they are, greatly flawed and all, and tell them that I love them, regardless. I would write letters of acceptance, forgiveness, and love, so that those who don't hear me the first time can read my words after I'm gone.
I would write letters, letters and letters to my children, explaining who I am, why I did the things I did, why I made the choices I made, and how, above all, they have been the brightest and most wonderful part of my life. I would tell them all the amazing, fantastic, completely loveable things about themselves, so that they will know, without a doubt and for the rest of their lives, that they are worthwhile and so loved.
My last fling - I feel silly about this, but I would spend time in Disney World. I would ride all the rides, including the water slides, I would meet the characters and hug them all. I would put down the camera and watch the joy on my children's faces. I would laugh, a lot.
I would make sure my husband was by my side for all of it. Every last bit.
I would find a cabin in the woods, with a stream running next to it, to spend my last few days. It doesn't really matter where, so long as it's warm enough to be outside.
----------
Looking back on my answers, I think there are a few things that are pretty obvious. First, my children are clearly the most important thing to me (followed closely by my husband). I wouldn't care if I never got to travel or sky dive or anything like that, so long as I got to love my children. Laughter and silliness - joy- are high up on my list of priorities.
I think it's also revealing that I wouldn't actually make many drastic changes. The journaling prompts read, "During the fantasy, you may have found yourself doing things significantly differently from how you live now. Why would this be so? If they were so important to get done, what prevents you from doing them now?" Yes, I can cut back on time I spend on the internet or on my phone, and I probably should. But as far as cutting out all things that take me away from my kids - well, I can't actually do that in real life. Most of the things I would want to do involve things I already do, just more: laugh more, love more, validate more, accept more. The one big change that I could conceivably do would be to stop letting my weight get in the way.
Just imagine the life I could lead if I could move easier, if I could actually run around with my kids at the park, if I could keep up with them, if I could climb all those stairs at the water park. That's the change I really need to make, to live the life I dream of, to live the life I'd lead if I only had a year to live.
"How do you feel about facing your own death?" Honestly, that's a topic I do my damnedest to avoid thinking about. Death terrifies me. As in, gives me a panic attack when I'm not a person who has panic attacks. I don't believe in god or in an afterlife. That we have just a set amount of time on this earth, and then it ends - just snuffs out like a candle - oh my god. And given that I'm absolutely terrified of dying, it makes absolutely no sense that I don't take care of my body, to try to extend my time here as long as possible. That's absolutely insane.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Steps Two and Three
Step Two: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Paths to Spirituality
Mindfulness: I'm aware of mindfulness as a path to spirituality and serenity, but it's something I struggle with. Like most other people, my life is full of what I often view as tedium. I stay at home with four young children, so it's laundry, making meals, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, tending to boo-boos, breaking up fights, soothing hurt feelings. I craft and sell on Etsy, and even that becomes rote, just another chore. When I can stop and think about what I'm doing, be mindful and in the moment, I do notice a tremendous difference. Making sandwiches for the kids, instead of grumbling about how long it takes and how boring it is, I can think about making food that will nourish my children's bodies and help them to grow, to have energy to play. Instead of feeling exhausted at the prospect of breaking up another fight or soothing hurt feelings, I can be grateful to have the ability to teach my children better ways to relate and to cope with life, to be a more 'therapeutic mommy' (as my good friend calls herself) than my mother was. To try to break the cycles present in my family. When filling an Etsy order, instead of wishing I was doing something for myself, for fun, instead of focusing on the pain in my back or the cramp in my hand, I can envision how the buyer will use this gift, and appreciate it, and craft with a loving intention.
I also know that it's important for me to not check-out to the detriment of the present situation. For instance, it's taken me an extraordinary amount of time to write this blog post because my four year old keeps coming up to me to give me snuggles. I could get annoyed at him and tell him I'm trying to write, but instead I put down the laptop and give him all the cuddles he wants.
Nature: Connecting with the earth is my best path to spirituality, the one I use the most, the one that gives me the most 'bang for the buck'. In the last two years, I've really come to appreciate how important nature is to my well-being, and its importance is only growing. This winter has been especially hard, with the endless cold and grey. We moved to a new house in the fall, and while previously, I'd always been able to create a sanctuary for birds in our snowy backyard, I couldn't replicate it here. To make up for it, I bought a lot of houseplants, and that helped some. Now, though, spring is blooming, birds are coming to the feeders, and we've got lots of seedlings sprouting all over the place, in addition to our old friends the houseplants. We've gone on hikes and to demonstrations at a wildlife center. Even just taking the kids to the park is a spiritual experience for me. I'm constantly looking for ways to 'plus' the experience - for instance, walking barefoot in the grass or sitting in the grass is better than just sitting on our deck in a lawn chair. A park is good, but a park with friends is even better. The beach is nice, but the dog beach with our lab is the best.
I can't state enough how important green, life, and sun is for me. We're even considering moving out of the northeast to somewhere without a harsh winter, even if it means hotter and more humid summers.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Paths to Spirituality
Mindfulness: I'm aware of mindfulness as a path to spirituality and serenity, but it's something I struggle with. Like most other people, my life is full of what I often view as tedium. I stay at home with four young children, so it's laundry, making meals, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, tending to boo-boos, breaking up fights, soothing hurt feelings. I craft and sell on Etsy, and even that becomes rote, just another chore. When I can stop and think about what I'm doing, be mindful and in the moment, I do notice a tremendous difference. Making sandwiches for the kids, instead of grumbling about how long it takes and how boring it is, I can think about making food that will nourish my children's bodies and help them to grow, to have energy to play. Instead of feeling exhausted at the prospect of breaking up another fight or soothing hurt feelings, I can be grateful to have the ability to teach my children better ways to relate and to cope with life, to be a more 'therapeutic mommy' (as my good friend calls herself) than my mother was. To try to break the cycles present in my family. When filling an Etsy order, instead of wishing I was doing something for myself, for fun, instead of focusing on the pain in my back or the cramp in my hand, I can envision how the buyer will use this gift, and appreciate it, and craft with a loving intention.
I also know that it's important for me to not check-out to the detriment of the present situation. For instance, it's taken me an extraordinary amount of time to write this blog post because my four year old keeps coming up to me to give me snuggles. I could get annoyed at him and tell him I'm trying to write, but instead I put down the laptop and give him all the cuddles he wants.
Nature: Connecting with the earth is my best path to spirituality, the one I use the most, the one that gives me the most 'bang for the buck'. In the last two years, I've really come to appreciate how important nature is to my well-being, and its importance is only growing. This winter has been especially hard, with the endless cold and grey. We moved to a new house in the fall, and while previously, I'd always been able to create a sanctuary for birds in our snowy backyard, I couldn't replicate it here. To make up for it, I bought a lot of houseplants, and that helped some. Now, though, spring is blooming, birds are coming to the feeders, and we've got lots of seedlings sprouting all over the place, in addition to our old friends the houseplants. We've gone on hikes and to demonstrations at a wildlife center. Even just taking the kids to the park is a spiritual experience for me. I'm constantly looking for ways to 'plus' the experience - for instance, walking barefoot in the grass or sitting in the grass is better than just sitting on our deck in a lawn chair. A park is good, but a park with friends is even better. The beach is nice, but the dog beach with our lab is the best.
I can't state enough how important green, life, and sun is for me. We're even considering moving out of the northeast to somewhere without a harsh winter, even if it means hotter and more humid summers.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Steps Two and Three
Step Two: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Loss of Reality Inventory
No reality/loss of memories: My first impulse was that I've never experienced this - a total loss of memories or reality. But then I thought of how sometimes I'll be eating something, and then have no recollection of finishing it. Or I'll start with a big bowl of ice cream and after some time, realize there's only a bite left, without really remembering eating most of it.
Distortion of reality (faulty thinking or beliefs): Oh, there's so many of these. I don't know if I'll be able to list them all! Let's start specifically with food. Eating is a way to feel loved. I deserve to eat unhealthy food. Eating unhealthy food is nurturing myself. I can eat some unhealthy food and still lose weight. That one bite doesn't really matter (which turns into that whole pint of ice cream doesn't really matter). There will always be more time to lose weight. Everyone eats unhealthy food like I do, but somehow they stay thin. Also: I'm only lovable if I'm thin AND smart AND funny AND outgoing. I'm only lovable if I do things what other people want. I'm only lovable if I don't have needs. I'm only lovable if I'm perfect.
Ignoring reality: When have I ignored reality and suffered the consequences? How about every time I ate something and gained weight? When I swore to lose weight for a trip, and kept telling myself I still had plenty of time, and then the trip came and I was still out of shape and overweight? There are endless examples of this. Even things like ignoring bills end badly, obviously. I don't think I've ever escaped the consequences of ignoring reality.
In the past, when I've asked for help following a loss of reality, my expectations have not been based in reality. I've expected someone to rescue me, someone with a magical, easy cure for whatever's gone wrong. Why can't my therapist snap her fingers and make my distorted, faulty thinking disappear? Why can't someone pay my bills for me? Why can't this pill make me lose weight?
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Loss of Reality Inventory
No reality/loss of memories: My first impulse was that I've never experienced this - a total loss of memories or reality. But then I thought of how sometimes I'll be eating something, and then have no recollection of finishing it. Or I'll start with a big bowl of ice cream and after some time, realize there's only a bite left, without really remembering eating most of it.
Distortion of reality (faulty thinking or beliefs): Oh, there's so many of these. I don't know if I'll be able to list them all! Let's start specifically with food. Eating is a way to feel loved. I deserve to eat unhealthy food. Eating unhealthy food is nurturing myself. I can eat some unhealthy food and still lose weight. That one bite doesn't really matter (which turns into that whole pint of ice cream doesn't really matter). There will always be more time to lose weight. Everyone eats unhealthy food like I do, but somehow they stay thin. Also: I'm only lovable if I'm thin AND smart AND funny AND outgoing. I'm only lovable if I do things what other people want. I'm only lovable if I don't have needs. I'm only lovable if I'm perfect.
Ignoring reality: When have I ignored reality and suffered the consequences? How about every time I ate something and gained weight? When I swore to lose weight for a trip, and kept telling myself I still had plenty of time, and then the trip came and I was still out of shape and overweight? There are endless examples of this. Even things like ignoring bills end badly, obviously. I don't think I've ever escaped the consequences of ignoring reality.
In the past, when I've asked for help following a loss of reality, my expectations have not been based in reality. I've expected someone to rescue me, someone with a magical, easy cure for whatever's gone wrong. Why can't my therapist snap her fingers and make my distorted, faulty thinking disappear? Why can't someone pay my bills for me? Why can't this pill make me lose weight?
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Steps Two and Three
Step Two: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
I've gotten much better at asking for and accepting help from my higher power. When I was young, there was nobody I could turn to for help - not God, who was completely absent from my life (which later led me to atheism), nor my family or friends. I knew I needed to be self-sufficient. With access to the internet, I developed the ability to ask for help online, by way of researching topics relevant to my life and to decisions I needed to make. I cast a wide net, read everything I could, and then formed my own opinions and made my decisions, trusting fully in my reasoning abilities.
When I first came to Twelve Steps, I was skeptical of the new way of behaving that was suggested to me. I was very lucky in that most of the people in my group had great recovery and were (are) focused on working their program. I had a hard time letting go of my faith in myself, of my old ways, but as I saw how the members in my group had found serenity, I began to want what they had. I started trying to follow their suggestions, which coincidentally, were the same things my therapist was advising. I shouldn't have been surprised when this new way of behaving worked better than the old way, but I still was! I've come to accept that my old, ingrained way of thinking is not healthy and that even if I feel some resistance at first, trying to follow the collective wisdom of Twelve Steps, my therapist, and supporting books and even friends is a much better way of living my life. I've come to find serenity in many areas of my life, and I know that if I give up my old, stubborn ways when it comes to food, and try to adopt the OA way of thinking, I can find serenity there, too.
I will admit that I still struggle with the 'turning over' aspect of Step Three. So often I hear in groups that we should just let go and turn it over to God, and I feel like there's a giving-up of personal responsibility there. I admit that I may not know the whole story each time, but whenever I hear, "I was worried about X, so I decided to just turn it over to God," I cringe. For me, the turning over process has to include owning my personal responsibility. For instance - if I have physical symptoms of an illness, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God will take care of it. I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor, I'm going to educate myself as much as possible regarding whatever advice the doctor suggests, follow treatment to the best of my ability, and then let go of the outcome. If I suspect that my husband has had a relapse, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God takes care of it. I'm going to ask myself, "What do I need to do to take care of myself in this situation?" That may be calling friends from program, seeing my therapist, setting a boundary, etc. That's trusting my Higher Power (my healthy-thinking community) to show me how I should handle a situation to ensure that I am okay, then letting go of the outcome. With food.. well, I'm still struggling with that. I don't like the idea of following OA advice when it comes to food, not fully. There seems to be a prevailing belief that abstinence must be refraining from white sugar and flour, and no eating between meals. At this point in my life, I just can't turn over my food that fully. I do believe that refraining from compulsive eating is necessary, though, and I strive to do that daily, moment to moment. I'm not sure if that means I'm not really working Step Three, or if that means I'm being honest about what works for me and leaving what doesn't work for me. I don't know if it's my addict making that decision, or my healthy, recovered self.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
I've gotten much better at asking for and accepting help from my higher power. When I was young, there was nobody I could turn to for help - not God, who was completely absent from my life (which later led me to atheism), nor my family or friends. I knew I needed to be self-sufficient. With access to the internet, I developed the ability to ask for help online, by way of researching topics relevant to my life and to decisions I needed to make. I cast a wide net, read everything I could, and then formed my own opinions and made my decisions, trusting fully in my reasoning abilities.
When I first came to Twelve Steps, I was skeptical of the new way of behaving that was suggested to me. I was very lucky in that most of the people in my group had great recovery and were (are) focused on working their program. I had a hard time letting go of my faith in myself, of my old ways, but as I saw how the members in my group had found serenity, I began to want what they had. I started trying to follow their suggestions, which coincidentally, were the same things my therapist was advising. I shouldn't have been surprised when this new way of behaving worked better than the old way, but I still was! I've come to accept that my old, ingrained way of thinking is not healthy and that even if I feel some resistance at first, trying to follow the collective wisdom of Twelve Steps, my therapist, and supporting books and even friends is a much better way of living my life. I've come to find serenity in many areas of my life, and I know that if I give up my old, stubborn ways when it comes to food, and try to adopt the OA way of thinking, I can find serenity there, too.
I will admit that I still struggle with the 'turning over' aspect of Step Three. So often I hear in groups that we should just let go and turn it over to God, and I feel like there's a giving-up of personal responsibility there. I admit that I may not know the whole story each time, but whenever I hear, "I was worried about X, so I decided to just turn it over to God," I cringe. For me, the turning over process has to include owning my personal responsibility. For instance - if I have physical symptoms of an illness, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God will take care of it. I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor, I'm going to educate myself as much as possible regarding whatever advice the doctor suggests, follow treatment to the best of my ability, and then let go of the outcome. If I suspect that my husband has had a relapse, I'm not going to just ignore it and hope God takes care of it. I'm going to ask myself, "What do I need to do to take care of myself in this situation?" That may be calling friends from program, seeing my therapist, setting a boundary, etc. That's trusting my Higher Power (my healthy-thinking community) to show me how I should handle a situation to ensure that I am okay, then letting go of the outcome. With food.. well, I'm still struggling with that. I don't like the idea of following OA advice when it comes to food, not fully. There seems to be a prevailing belief that abstinence must be refraining from white sugar and flour, and no eating between meals. At this point in my life, I just can't turn over my food that fully. I do believe that refraining from compulsive eating is necessary, though, and I strive to do that daily, moment to moment. I'm not sure if that means I'm not really working Step Three, or if that means I'm being honest about what works for me and leaving what doesn't work for me. I don't know if it's my addict making that decision, or my healthy, recovered self.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Steps Two and Three
Step Two: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Higher Power Attitude Index
The six words I chose from a list of 24 adjectives to describe God are: absent, nonexistent, hoax, imaginary, fanciful, and unreal.
The words I chose fall under the 'nonexistent' category, obviously. I haven't believed in the traditional concept of God for a long time.
The words I chose could also be used to describe how my mother 'helped' me during my childhood. She was often absent, either physically or mentally. She was either busy with her job, busy with housework, or emotionally unavailable. Any help she did try to give me was 'imaginary, unreal, nonexistent."
My definition of 'Higher Power' has changed a lot. When I was a young child, I believed in the God that my mother believed in. By around 11-12 years of age, I became an atheist. I'm not sure anyone influenced that - it just seemed like a logical conclusion. In my early 20's, I became interested in Earth-based spirituality. I still didn't believe in God, but I believed in the 'miracle' of nature and life. During my 20's, I believed I was my own Higher Power. I had full faith in my intellect and my ability to made good decisions and take care of myself. I knew that, given the information I needed to make a decision (which the Internet and books always provided), I was able to make the 'right' decision every time. It wasn't until getting into recovery with my husband that I began to see the error of my ways.
In my other Twelve Step program, I began to redefine my Higher Power. I could no longer say that my intellect was all I needed or that my thinking, reasoning, and decision-making was sound. I saw myself doing crazy, illogical things - things that I had previously thought made total sense. I started trying to follow the suggestions given to me in program, to listen to the experience, strength, and hope I heard from my fellow members. I was amazed to see that this new way of behaving worked better than what I'd done in the past, and I began to have faith in the group. My group was my Higher Power. Gradually, I've broadened that definition to include the community that I chose to include in my life, from my first Twelve Step group, to OA, to my therapist, to healthy, recovery-minded friends, and so on.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Higher Power Attitude Index
The six words I chose from a list of 24 adjectives to describe God are: absent, nonexistent, hoax, imaginary, fanciful, and unreal.
The words I chose fall under the 'nonexistent' category, obviously. I haven't believed in the traditional concept of God for a long time.
The words I chose could also be used to describe how my mother 'helped' me during my childhood. She was often absent, either physically or mentally. She was either busy with her job, busy with housework, or emotionally unavailable. Any help she did try to give me was 'imaginary, unreal, nonexistent."
My definition of 'Higher Power' has changed a lot. When I was a young child, I believed in the God that my mother believed in. By around 11-12 years of age, I became an atheist. I'm not sure anyone influenced that - it just seemed like a logical conclusion. In my early 20's, I became interested in Earth-based spirituality. I still didn't believe in God, but I believed in the 'miracle' of nature and life. During my 20's, I believed I was my own Higher Power. I had full faith in my intellect and my ability to made good decisions and take care of myself. I knew that, given the information I needed to make a decision (which the Internet and books always provided), I was able to make the 'right' decision every time. It wasn't until getting into recovery with my husband that I began to see the error of my ways.
In my other Twelve Step program, I began to redefine my Higher Power. I could no longer say that my intellect was all I needed or that my thinking, reasoning, and decision-making was sound. I saw myself doing crazy, illogical things - things that I had previously thought made total sense. I started trying to follow the suggestions given to me in program, to listen to the experience, strength, and hope I heard from my fellow members. I was amazed to see that this new way of behaving worked better than what I'd done in the past, and I began to have faith in the group. My group was my Higher Power. Gradually, I've broadened that definition to include the community that I chose to include in my life, from my first Twelve Step group, to OA, to my therapist, to healthy, recovery-minded friends, and so on.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Steps Two and Three
Step Two: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
In the Gentle Path book, Steps Two and Three are combined. The chapter starts with a "Openness to Spirituality - Self Assessment" quiz. The questions are:
In a grocery store, when searching for something you cannot find, do you: keep searching until you find it, or ask for help.
When putting something together from a kit, do you: follow directions carefully, quickly go through the instructions only when you get stuck, or figure it out for yourself.
When you are personally in pain and need support, do you usually: talk to people immediately, wait until the crisis is over and then tell people, or get through it the best way you can without help.
For the first two questions, I ask for help and follow directions. For the last one, I vary between all three.
The idea is that most addicts and co-addicts get stuck in a pattern of not asking for help, of going it alone with their problems. This pattern can hinder Steps Two and Three, and recovery in general, as we need to ask for help from our Higher Power to find recovery. The Gentle Path book asks you to examine people in your life and how they affect your ability to ask for and receive help.
Dad: I've always been able to ask Dad for help when I need it. He's generally nonjudgmental and supportive, and has never made me feel stupid or dumb for asking questions or for help. He's a good teacher, usually patient, and explains things without being condescending. He never really made me feel bad when I made a mistake.
Mom: I could never really ask Mom for help. She would always become overbearing, making the problem her problem, becoming overly emotional about it to the point where I felt responsible for her feelings, or demanding I follow her course of action, or just generally overshadowing me. She is also very blame oriented and would either blame/shame me, or someone else who frequently didn't deserve it. Taking personal responsibility was never modeled. She is not a good teacher, often losing her patience, and always expecting you to know how to do something without being taught.
Sister: As an adult, I know I can use my sister as a source of support and ask her for help, but I often feel like, as the older sister, I shouldn't rely on her. I feel protective of her and don't want to burden her with my issues. This isn't really because of anything she's done, though. She's generally helpful and considerate. This question doesn't really apply to my childhood, though, as she's much younger than I am.
Grandmother: My grandmother often lived with us when I was growing up. She wasn't the perfect teacher as far as showing patience went, but she was always happy to explain things and teach me homemaking-type skills. She was very generous and while I didn't ask her for help too much, I always knew that she would always do whatever she could to help me.
Teachers: Most teachers were pretty helpful. I generally had a good experience in school and knew I could go to my teachers for help if I needed it. The one exception was a teacher in 6th grade - have a clear memory of her being distinctly unhelpful in a certain situation, and of feeling very stupid for asking her about something.
The next step is to select from a list of adjectives, feelings that arise when it becomes necessary to ask for help. The ones I identify with are: vulnerable, uncertain, tentative. The list of adjectives are then arranged into four categories: dependence, counterdependence, independence, and interdependence. The adjectives I chose all fall under the heading of dependence, which is defined as "We need and want help."
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
In the Gentle Path book, Steps Two and Three are combined. The chapter starts with a "Openness to Spirituality - Self Assessment" quiz. The questions are:
In a grocery store, when searching for something you cannot find, do you: keep searching until you find it, or ask for help.
When putting something together from a kit, do you: follow directions carefully, quickly go through the instructions only when you get stuck, or figure it out for yourself.
When you are personally in pain and need support, do you usually: talk to people immediately, wait until the crisis is over and then tell people, or get through it the best way you can without help.
For the first two questions, I ask for help and follow directions. For the last one, I vary between all three.
The idea is that most addicts and co-addicts get stuck in a pattern of not asking for help, of going it alone with their problems. This pattern can hinder Steps Two and Three, and recovery in general, as we need to ask for help from our Higher Power to find recovery. The Gentle Path book asks you to examine people in your life and how they affect your ability to ask for and receive help.
Dad: I've always been able to ask Dad for help when I need it. He's generally nonjudgmental and supportive, and has never made me feel stupid or dumb for asking questions or for help. He's a good teacher, usually patient, and explains things without being condescending. He never really made me feel bad when I made a mistake.
Mom: I could never really ask Mom for help. She would always become overbearing, making the problem her problem, becoming overly emotional about it to the point where I felt responsible for her feelings, or demanding I follow her course of action, or just generally overshadowing me. She is also very blame oriented and would either blame/shame me, or someone else who frequently didn't deserve it. Taking personal responsibility was never modeled. She is not a good teacher, often losing her patience, and always expecting you to know how to do something without being taught.
Sister: As an adult, I know I can use my sister as a source of support and ask her for help, but I often feel like, as the older sister, I shouldn't rely on her. I feel protective of her and don't want to burden her with my issues. This isn't really because of anything she's done, though. She's generally helpful and considerate. This question doesn't really apply to my childhood, though, as she's much younger than I am.
Grandmother: My grandmother often lived with us when I was growing up. She wasn't the perfect teacher as far as showing patience went, but she was always happy to explain things and teach me homemaking-type skills. She was very generous and while I didn't ask her for help too much, I always knew that she would always do whatever she could to help me.
Teachers: Most teachers were pretty helpful. I generally had a good experience in school and knew I could go to my teachers for help if I needed it. The one exception was a teacher in 6th grade - have a clear memory of her being distinctly unhelpful in a certain situation, and of feeling very stupid for asking her about something.
The next step is to select from a list of adjectives, feelings that arise when it becomes necessary to ask for help. The ones I identify with are: vulnerable, uncertain, tentative. The list of adjectives are then arranged into four categories: dependence, counterdependence, independence, and interdependence. The adjectives I chose all fall under the heading of dependence, which is defined as "We need and want help."
Serenity Prayer:
Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Step One
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
Powerless Inventory: Listing all times I have been powerless to stop my behavior.
I'm not sure how to approach this journaling prompt. I mean, obviously I've been powerless to stop my behavior. Every time I've said on a Sunday night, "Okay, this is it, tomorrow will be a fresh start" - and then not followed through. Every time I go into a store and say, "Only get what you need," and walk out with a candy bar. Every time I've eaten the kids' cookies or candy or whatever, despite the fact that I know I shouldn't. There's no way I can write an exhaustive list.
Maybe instead, I'll keep a 'current' powerlessness inventory. Every time I currently experience powerlessness, I'll update this post. For now, I'll write about my powerlessness this past weekend.
Originally, our plan involved an errand near my favorite bakery, which is an hour away. I haven't been there in two or three years, and it was the bakery that made our wedding cake. We're rarely in that area, so the plan was to swing by and get some goodies as a 'rare' treat. Well, on Saturday I called to check their hours for Sunday and was very disappointed to hear that they're closed on Sundays. So that night, when we did our family fun night, I ate s'mores with the kids, which I'd been planning on skipping. I told myself that it was a trade-off, and that besides, two s'mores aren't as unhealthy as what I'd been planning on eating anyway. Then on Sunday, I was in the grocery store with the kids, killing time, and they wanted snacks. Instead of abstaining myself, I got a muffin right along with them. Later in the day, when I did the weekly shopping trip, I picked up a candy bar, too.
I hate admitting these things.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
Powerless Inventory: Listing all times I have been powerless to stop my behavior.
I'm not sure how to approach this journaling prompt. I mean, obviously I've been powerless to stop my behavior. Every time I've said on a Sunday night, "Okay, this is it, tomorrow will be a fresh start" - and then not followed through. Every time I go into a store and say, "Only get what you need," and walk out with a candy bar. Every time I've eaten the kids' cookies or candy or whatever, despite the fact that I know I shouldn't. There's no way I can write an exhaustive list.
Maybe instead, I'll keep a 'current' powerlessness inventory. Every time I currently experience powerlessness, I'll update this post. For now, I'll write about my powerlessness this past weekend.
Originally, our plan involved an errand near my favorite bakery, which is an hour away. I haven't been there in two or three years, and it was the bakery that made our wedding cake. We're rarely in that area, so the plan was to swing by and get some goodies as a 'rare' treat. Well, on Saturday I called to check their hours for Sunday and was very disappointed to hear that they're closed on Sundays. So that night, when we did our family fun night, I ate s'mores with the kids, which I'd been planning on skipping. I told myself that it was a trade-off, and that besides, two s'mores aren't as unhealthy as what I'd been planning on eating anyway. Then on Sunday, I was in the grocery store with the kids, killing time, and they wanted snacks. Instead of abstaining myself, I got a muffin right along with them. Later in the day, when I did the weekly shopping trip, I picked up a candy bar, too.
I hate admitting these things.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Step One
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Aspects of Addiction
I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food. I fantasizing about great food (vacation foods, special treats, etc) I've enjoyed in the past, or that I hope to enjoy in the future (the Internet's food porn can be hard to avoid). I spend time thinking about cravings I'm having, I imagine eating, and most of all - I plan out opportunities to eat, scheming to find an excuse to go to the store or some reason to indulge in a special treat.
Likewise, I also expend a lot of effort in trying to control my addiction. If I'm not actively dieting, using EFT, going to therapy, OA meetings, or the gym, then I'm thinking about it.
I spent a lot of my life lying to myself. I knew I had a problem with food, but I wasn't willing to admit that there was an emotional component to my overeating. I lied to myself, saying that I just really enjoyed the taste and the social aspect. Most of my lies to others are lies of omission. I deliberately eat when my husband's not around so he won't know, and I hide the evidence. Occasionally I outright lie about how much I ate, saying the kids had eaten some when they hadn't.
I've spent a lot of time during the last two years trying to understand my behavior. Going to therapy, OA, reading books, etc helps me to understand. Knowledge and understanding is important, but then I have to be careful because it's too easy to blame my family of origin for my issues, instead of taking personal responsibility.
I used to like to say, "Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm still healthy!" I can't say that anymore, now. At about 150 lbs overweight, I have high blood pressure that probably should be managed with medication but isn't; I'm probably pre-diabetic. There's the obvious wear on my heart, joints, etc. I have plantar fasciitis that makes walking difficult, and shortness of breath that makes moderate physical activity unpleasant. I can't keep denying the effects on my physical health; my addiction will literally kill me if I don't stop this craziness.
Most of my 'suffering' from my food addiction is emotional. I feel extreme shame and guilt, and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. The shame, guilt, and worthlessness crowd out other feelings, making it hard to fully enjoy life and be present in the moment. I frequently feel depressed. I have few friends; it's hard to feel close to people when I feel unworthy. I avoid most social situations. My feelings of inadequacy, shame, influence most every interaction. There's the obvious stress on my marriage as well. I can't understand why my husband wants to be with me, and I'm constantly thinking, "If I could just lose the weight, then I would feel deserving."
My food addiction and extra weight make it hard to be the mother and homemaker I want to be. My emotional baggage often gets in the way of being able to relate with my children the way I want, and I don't have the energy and stamina to keep up with the kids. The house suffers because I either can't motivate myself to clean, or I don't have the energy to keep up with it. I do have values like keeping a nice home, participating in community, taking care of my body, etc - but they are impossible to maintain at this point.
Most of my spirituality centers around nature. I long to spend hot summer days in the garden, but the extra weight makes it difficult to be in the heat. I would love to connect with nature more by hiking; I can't because I'm not fit.
Financially, my addiction isn't as much of a burden as some other addictions. But I do spend money on junk food. Ben & Jerry's is expensive. Plus, being stuck in general avoidance mode means I avoid taking control of our finances in pretty much every way.
The crazy behaviors with my food addiction are embarrassing. Hiding food and wrappers, lying about what I eat, planning my day around obtaining food. I distract myself with needless projects, obsessing about planning vacations or home improvement projects, or even silly things like video games or TV shows. I sign up for too many activities or responsibilities. I try to do anything to keep myself from seeing the reality of my addiction.. but inevitably, I run out of steam with whatever projects, obsessions, or commitments I'm on and end up just stuck with myself, like always.
I manipulate my husband in relation to my food addiction. I'll ask him to get me food from the store, coming up with excuses for him to enable me. Then, if he doesn't eat something with me, I use guilt to manipulate him into eating so I don't feel as ashamed.
I do well with sharing my feelings in very specific circumstances. I can share pretty much anything with my husband. I can share most feelings with a good friend and my therapist. I can talk about some things with my sister. But the sharing I do is on an intellectual level. I can speak the words of what I'm going through, but I don't really connect on a visceral level with my feelings.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.
Aspects of Addiction
I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food. I fantasizing about great food (vacation foods, special treats, etc) I've enjoyed in the past, or that I hope to enjoy in the future (the Internet's food porn can be hard to avoid). I spend time thinking about cravings I'm having, I imagine eating, and most of all - I plan out opportunities to eat, scheming to find an excuse to go to the store or some reason to indulge in a special treat.
Likewise, I also expend a lot of effort in trying to control my addiction. If I'm not actively dieting, using EFT, going to therapy, OA meetings, or the gym, then I'm thinking about it.
I spent a lot of my life lying to myself. I knew I had a problem with food, but I wasn't willing to admit that there was an emotional component to my overeating. I lied to myself, saying that I just really enjoyed the taste and the social aspect. Most of my lies to others are lies of omission. I deliberately eat when my husband's not around so he won't know, and I hide the evidence. Occasionally I outright lie about how much I ate, saying the kids had eaten some when they hadn't.
I've spent a lot of time during the last two years trying to understand my behavior. Going to therapy, OA, reading books, etc helps me to understand. Knowledge and understanding is important, but then I have to be careful because it's too easy to blame my family of origin for my issues, instead of taking personal responsibility.
I used to like to say, "Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm still healthy!" I can't say that anymore, now. At about 150 lbs overweight, I have high blood pressure that probably should be managed with medication but isn't; I'm probably pre-diabetic. There's the obvious wear on my heart, joints, etc. I have plantar fasciitis that makes walking difficult, and shortness of breath that makes moderate physical activity unpleasant. I can't keep denying the effects on my physical health; my addiction will literally kill me if I don't stop this craziness.
Most of my 'suffering' from my food addiction is emotional. I feel extreme shame and guilt, and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. The shame, guilt, and worthlessness crowd out other feelings, making it hard to fully enjoy life and be present in the moment. I frequently feel depressed. I have few friends; it's hard to feel close to people when I feel unworthy. I avoid most social situations. My feelings of inadequacy, shame, influence most every interaction. There's the obvious stress on my marriage as well. I can't understand why my husband wants to be with me, and I'm constantly thinking, "If I could just lose the weight, then I would feel deserving."
My food addiction and extra weight make it hard to be the mother and homemaker I want to be. My emotional baggage often gets in the way of being able to relate with my children the way I want, and I don't have the energy and stamina to keep up with the kids. The house suffers because I either can't motivate myself to clean, or I don't have the energy to keep up with it. I do have values like keeping a nice home, participating in community, taking care of my body, etc - but they are impossible to maintain at this point.
Most of my spirituality centers around nature. I long to spend hot summer days in the garden, but the extra weight makes it difficult to be in the heat. I would love to connect with nature more by hiking; I can't because I'm not fit.
Financially, my addiction isn't as much of a burden as some other addictions. But I do spend money on junk food. Ben & Jerry's is expensive. Plus, being stuck in general avoidance mode means I avoid taking control of our finances in pretty much every way.
The crazy behaviors with my food addiction are embarrassing. Hiding food and wrappers, lying about what I eat, planning my day around obtaining food. I distract myself with needless projects, obsessing about planning vacations or home improvement projects, or even silly things like video games or TV shows. I sign up for too many activities or responsibilities. I try to do anything to keep myself from seeing the reality of my addiction.. but inevitably, I run out of steam with whatever projects, obsessions, or commitments I'm on and end up just stuck with myself, like always.
I manipulate my husband in relation to my food addiction. I'll ask him to get me food from the store, coming up with excuses for him to enable me. Then, if he doesn't eat something with me, I use guilt to manipulate him into eating so I don't feel as ashamed.
I do well with sharing my feelings in very specific circumstances. I can share pretty much anything with my husband. I can share most feelings with a good friend and my therapist. I can talk about some things with my sister. But the sharing I do is on an intellectual level. I can speak the words of what I'm going through, but I don't really connect on a visceral level with my feelings.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Step One
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
History of Abuse
I never used to think of myself as having been abused. But I was, in 'small' ways.
My mother is a narcissist. If your mother isn't a narcissist, this might be hard to understand. If you've never known a narcissist, it's probably impossible to understand. Everything is about my mother. When I was a child, if I got hurt (physically or emotionally), my pain was unimportant - what mattered was how my mother felt about it. She does the same thing with my kids.. if one of them falls down or something, she'll say, "Oh, I'm so upset you got hurt! I hate to see you hurt! That scared me so much!" Similarly, if I had a triumph, it wasn't because I had tried hard or was skilled or lucky or whatever, it was about her. My grades weren't proof of my hard work, but of hers. Or she'd even brag through genetics, if she hadn't actually had a hand in what I'd done. Growing up, receiving those messages, I felt completely unseen, unheard, and unimportant.
Beyond that, she made me feel as if I was never good enough - I could never live up to her expectations. I have a vivid memory of doing an illustration of a book report that my mother didn't think was good enough. She drew her own version and had me pass it off as my own. When I got it back from the teacher, graded, there was a note on it that said, "I don't think you drew this." That's just one of many, many examples. She would have me rewrite homework and thank you notes over and over again because it wasn't neat enough. She was the same with housework. Everything had to be spotless, and if you left something out where you shouldn't, you got screamed at. She would also talk to me about how my father's side of the family didn't like us, how they spoiled their other children but not my father, and how they would take their other grandchildren on vacation, lavish them with gifts, and take them on special outings. All of which further reinforced the idea that there was obviously something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough nor deserving of their love.
As a narcissist, my mom was always emotionally unavailable. In addition, she was frequently 'too busy' - with housework, actual work, daycare kids she watched, my sister, etc. When I was a teenager, I would wait up late for her to come home from work. She threw herself into her work, using at as a way to escape (remember, she is also an addict). I remember her saying things like, "You make me wish I was at work!"
I also had very little privacy - Mom loved to snoop. She would even keep things I had thrown out. During my bridal shower, she pulled out a poem I had written when I was 12 to a boy I'd had a crush on. She wanted to read it to all of the guests - mostly people I worked with. It was humiliating and I started to cry - something I never do in front of other people. She had no boundaries. She asked me to keep secrets about what she had bought or what we had eaten. She confided in me about my parents' money troubles and told me all about fights she had with my father.
The confusing thing is that narcissists are so good at getting people to buy their bullshit stories. Everyone - family, friends, co-workers, etc - has thought of my mother as generous, selfless, kind to a fault, and so on. The persona she has created began to slip after her health problems began - but I only truly came to see it within the last two years, thanks to a lot of therapy and self-discovery.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
History of Abuse
I never used to think of myself as having been abused. But I was, in 'small' ways.
My mother is a narcissist. If your mother isn't a narcissist, this might be hard to understand. If you've never known a narcissist, it's probably impossible to understand. Everything is about my mother. When I was a child, if I got hurt (physically or emotionally), my pain was unimportant - what mattered was how my mother felt about it. She does the same thing with my kids.. if one of them falls down or something, she'll say, "Oh, I'm so upset you got hurt! I hate to see you hurt! That scared me so much!" Similarly, if I had a triumph, it wasn't because I had tried hard or was skilled or lucky or whatever, it was about her. My grades weren't proof of my hard work, but of hers. Or she'd even brag through genetics, if she hadn't actually had a hand in what I'd done. Growing up, receiving those messages, I felt completely unseen, unheard, and unimportant.
Beyond that, she made me feel as if I was never good enough - I could never live up to her expectations. I have a vivid memory of doing an illustration of a book report that my mother didn't think was good enough. She drew her own version and had me pass it off as my own. When I got it back from the teacher, graded, there was a note on it that said, "I don't think you drew this." That's just one of many, many examples. She would have me rewrite homework and thank you notes over and over again because it wasn't neat enough. She was the same with housework. Everything had to be spotless, and if you left something out where you shouldn't, you got screamed at. She would also talk to me about how my father's side of the family didn't like us, how they spoiled their other children but not my father, and how they would take their other grandchildren on vacation, lavish them with gifts, and take them on special outings. All of which further reinforced the idea that there was obviously something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough nor deserving of their love.
As a narcissist, my mom was always emotionally unavailable. In addition, she was frequently 'too busy' - with housework, actual work, daycare kids she watched, my sister, etc. When I was a teenager, I would wait up late for her to come home from work. She threw herself into her work, using at as a way to escape (remember, she is also an addict). I remember her saying things like, "You make me wish I was at work!"
I also had very little privacy - Mom loved to snoop. She would even keep things I had thrown out. During my bridal shower, she pulled out a poem I had written when I was 12 to a boy I'd had a crush on. She wanted to read it to all of the guests - mostly people I worked with. It was humiliating and I started to cry - something I never do in front of other people. She had no boundaries. She asked me to keep secrets about what she had bought or what we had eaten. She confided in me about my parents' money troubles and told me all about fights she had with my father.
The confusing thing is that narcissists are so good at getting people to buy their bullshit stories. Everyone - family, friends, co-workers, etc - has thought of my mother as generous, selfless, kind to a fault, and so on. The persona she has created began to slip after her health problems began - but I only truly came to see it within the last two years, thanks to a lot of therapy and self-discovery.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Step One
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
Addiction Histories
Overeating:
Ages 0-10: I overate sweets for sure, but I wasn't that chubby until closer to 10. The first time I remember being self-conscious was around 8. I remember my grandmother giving me a hard time for wanting to put sugar on my Rice Krispies cereal.
Ages 11-18: My overeating increased, as did my weight. I started trying to diet around 12. I was about 130 at 14, 180-190 at 18. I was very ashamed of my weight, though I only occasionally got made fun of. My mother was obsessed about my weight and tried everything she could think of to get me to diet (aside from actually providing and cooking healthy food, and modeling healthy emotional coping skills). Around 14, she decided that we would all weigh ourselves together and when I protested, physically dragged me to the scale to weigh in.
Ages 19-25: I lost close to 50 lbs at around 21, using Weight Watchers, but it didn't last. My dad had lost a lot of weight at the same time, but when his sister passed away, we both slowly began eating unhealthfully again. I ate more and more to cope with my insecurities and unhappiness. I had my first child at 23 and second at 25, never gaining much weight throughout my pregnancies, though. At 25, I weighed about 250 lbs.
Ages 26-Now (33): My eating has gotten more and more out of control. When my addiction is strong, I try to arrange my days so that I have the opportunity to buy sweets, preferably without my husband knowing. I spend all day thinking about what I can eat. My highest weight was a few months ago - 312 lbs. Thankfully I'm down a bit now, but my addiction is still present.
Alcohol:
Ages 0-10: I had a sip of my father's beer once or twice.
Ages 11-18: I snuck a beer from the fridge on a handful of occasions, trying to be cool, but never drank much.
Ages 19-25: Not a big drinker, never more than 3 drinks in a night, but the overall average was more like one drink a month.
Ages 26-Now: I only drink rarely. Sometimes my husband and I will drink one 6-pack over the course of a week, but then nothing for a few months.
Sexuality:
Ages 0-10: Close to age 10, I became very curious about sex.
Ages 11-18: Before meeting my husband (my only romantic relationship), my only sexual activity was fantasy, which I did engage in a lot. I met my husband when I was about 16 and we became sexually active the year after. I still engaged in a lot of fantasy.
Ages 19-25: Had a relatively healthy sex life with my husband, though I was very insecure. Still spent a lot of time engaged in fantasy to cope with my unhappiness in the relationship.
Ages 26-Now: Engaged in more and more fantasy as I became less and less fulfilled in my marriage (as he was ramping up his addiction, unbeknownst to me). After finding out about his addiction, during a brief separation, I went out with two men to experiment with physical contact with other people - since I'd only ever been with my husband.
Gambling:
n/a
Co-addiction:
Ages 0-10: n/a
Ages 11-18: My mother is a narcissist and an addict herself, so I was beginning to feel responsible for her emotional well-being. We were very enmeshed, and my attempts to separate and individuate were not totally successful.
Ages 19-25: Co-addiction with my mother continued, as well as beginning to worry a lot about my father's weight.
Ages 26-Now: My co-addiction with my mother got quickly out of control after her health (first physical, then mental) began to rapidly decline after a gastric bypass surgery. After finding out about my husband's addiction, that codependence spread to my relationship with him, though a lot of those behaviors can also be labeled traumatic response.
----------
I think it's obvious now that I've never known how to deal with life. Starting with fantasy at such a young age, then food, then codependence - all have been ways to cope with or avoid my feelings and my life. I've never really lived my life, fully, responsibly, mindfully... I've just thought about it, stuck in my head, scared to come out.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
Addiction Histories
Overeating:
Ages 0-10: I overate sweets for sure, but I wasn't that chubby until closer to 10. The first time I remember being self-conscious was around 8. I remember my grandmother giving me a hard time for wanting to put sugar on my Rice Krispies cereal.
Ages 11-18: My overeating increased, as did my weight. I started trying to diet around 12. I was about 130 at 14, 180-190 at 18. I was very ashamed of my weight, though I only occasionally got made fun of. My mother was obsessed about my weight and tried everything she could think of to get me to diet (aside from actually providing and cooking healthy food, and modeling healthy emotional coping skills). Around 14, she decided that we would all weigh ourselves together and when I protested, physically dragged me to the scale to weigh in.
Ages 19-25: I lost close to 50 lbs at around 21, using Weight Watchers, but it didn't last. My dad had lost a lot of weight at the same time, but when his sister passed away, we both slowly began eating unhealthfully again. I ate more and more to cope with my insecurities and unhappiness. I had my first child at 23 and second at 25, never gaining much weight throughout my pregnancies, though. At 25, I weighed about 250 lbs.
Ages 26-Now (33): My eating has gotten more and more out of control. When my addiction is strong, I try to arrange my days so that I have the opportunity to buy sweets, preferably without my husband knowing. I spend all day thinking about what I can eat. My highest weight was a few months ago - 312 lbs. Thankfully I'm down a bit now, but my addiction is still present.
Alcohol:
Ages 0-10: I had a sip of my father's beer once or twice.
Ages 11-18: I snuck a beer from the fridge on a handful of occasions, trying to be cool, but never drank much.
Ages 19-25: Not a big drinker, never more than 3 drinks in a night, but the overall average was more like one drink a month.
Ages 26-Now: I only drink rarely. Sometimes my husband and I will drink one 6-pack over the course of a week, but then nothing for a few months.
Sexuality:
Ages 0-10: Close to age 10, I became very curious about sex.
Ages 11-18: Before meeting my husband (my only romantic relationship), my only sexual activity was fantasy, which I did engage in a lot. I met my husband when I was about 16 and we became sexually active the year after. I still engaged in a lot of fantasy.
Ages 19-25: Had a relatively healthy sex life with my husband, though I was very insecure. Still spent a lot of time engaged in fantasy to cope with my unhappiness in the relationship.
Ages 26-Now: Engaged in more and more fantasy as I became less and less fulfilled in my marriage (as he was ramping up his addiction, unbeknownst to me). After finding out about his addiction, during a brief separation, I went out with two men to experiment with physical contact with other people - since I'd only ever been with my husband.
Gambling:
n/a
Co-addiction:
Ages 0-10: n/a
Ages 11-18: My mother is a narcissist and an addict herself, so I was beginning to feel responsible for her emotional well-being. We were very enmeshed, and my attempts to separate and individuate were not totally successful.
Ages 19-25: Co-addiction with my mother continued, as well as beginning to worry a lot about my father's weight.
Ages 26-Now: My co-addiction with my mother got quickly out of control after her health (first physical, then mental) began to rapidly decline after a gastric bypass surgery. After finding out about my husband's addiction, that codependence spread to my relationship with him, though a lot of those behaviors can also be labeled traumatic response.
----------
I think it's obvious now that I've never known how to deal with life. Starting with fantasy at such a young age, then food, then codependence - all have been ways to cope with or avoid my feelings and my life. I've never really lived my life, fully, responsibly, mindfully... I've just thought about it, stuck in my head, scared to come out.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Step One
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
There is a lot of addiction in my family. It's funny, though.. I never really noticed it growing up, or even during my twenties. I mean, there were a few obvious instances of addiction, but I didn't understand that a lot of my family's weirdness was actually addiction.
Even though this blog is anonymous, I'm not going to say my mom has this, my dad has this, etc. Instead, I'll lay it out for you like this: out of twenty-five parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and adult cousins (I'm not counting my kid cousins), eighteen have major addictions. Four food addicts, twelve smokers, two or three sex addicts, seven alcoholics, nine drug addicts (including one fatal overdose and one HIV death from IV drug use), a workaholic, and more codependents/co-addicts than I can count. If I include my grandparents' siblings and their parents, we get more sex addiction and alcoholism, and who knows what else.
Like I said, it's only recently that I've been able to see the disease and dysfunction throughout my family. I never thought that my family was so full of addiction, but it is. Clearly there is not much education about emotional health, proper coping skills, and life skills in general. It's reassuring to see that my weight problems and life unmanageability isn't something inherently wrong with me, but that I just never had a chance with such poor role models for healthy behavior.
Obviously, my family doesn't give me a free pass to behave however I want. I can say "I'm this way because of my family," but I can't say, "I can't do anything about it." It's helpful to know some of the origins of my behaviors because it helps me move past those behaviors and learn a healthier way to live.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
There is a lot of addiction in my family. It's funny, though.. I never really noticed it growing up, or even during my twenties. I mean, there were a few obvious instances of addiction, but I didn't understand that a lot of my family's weirdness was actually addiction.
Even though this blog is anonymous, I'm not going to say my mom has this, my dad has this, etc. Instead, I'll lay it out for you like this: out of twenty-five parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and adult cousins (I'm not counting my kid cousins), eighteen have major addictions. Four food addicts, twelve smokers, two or three sex addicts, seven alcoholics, nine drug addicts (including one fatal overdose and one HIV death from IV drug use), a workaholic, and more codependents/co-addicts than I can count. If I include my grandparents' siblings and their parents, we get more sex addiction and alcoholism, and who knows what else.
Like I said, it's only recently that I've been able to see the disease and dysfunction throughout my family. I never thought that my family was so full of addiction, but it is. Clearly there is not much education about emotional health, proper coping skills, and life skills in general. It's reassuring to see that my weight problems and life unmanageability isn't something inherently wrong with me, but that I just never had a chance with such poor role models for healthy behavior.
Obviously, my family doesn't give me a free pass to behave however I want. I can say "I'm this way because of my family," but I can't say, "I can't do anything about it." It's helpful to know some of the origins of my behaviors because it helps me move past those behaviors and learn a healthier way to live.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Step One
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
My life is unmanageable. I am powerless. I need help.
I have many emotional consequences to my overeating. I have felt extreme hopelessness and despair - almost to the point of being suicidal. I have felt like I am two different people - the 'normal' woman and the fat woman. My emotions swing from extremes with little provocation. I often fantasize about a better life and sometimes lose touch with reality. I have very little self esteem. I've tried so hard to control this addiction and failed every time - leaving me with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. That leads me to isolate and feel lonely. I'm exhausted and afraid of the future.
The physical consequences of overeating are pretty obvious, though thankfully aren't as bad as they could be - yet. I'm over 150 lbs overweight. This causes tremendous stress on my heart - I'm terrified I'll have a heart attack any day. My blood pressure is elevated and I'm probably pre-diabetic. Thankfully my cholesterol isn't that bad. I have no energy. I have no stamina for physical exercise. I get winded all the time. Back aches are frequent. My feet, legs and his hurt often. Knees, too.
My addiction and weight problem cause a lot of problems in my marriage. I feel repulsive and reluctant to have sex. I feel like he doesn't want to be seen in public with me, that he's ashamed of me. I can't do a lot of activities with him that I'd like to do. I feel so unlovable. How do you have a relationship with someone when you don't feel worthy of it? When you feel less than, in every way?
My weight also causes problems with my kids. On the most extreme level, I'm afraid that I'll die and leave them without a mother. To be less dramatic,I can't be as active with them as I'd like. I run out of energy too quickly when we're playing. Because of my self-consciousness and certainty that people don't like me, I don't get them as many playdates as I think they should have. It's very difficult for me to form friendships. I'm also scared the kids will pick up my bad habits.
My lack of energy also makes it hard for me to keep the house looking like I want it to. I fee like a terrible housewife.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Journaling prompts from Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps.
My life is unmanageable. I am powerless. I need help.
I have many emotional consequences to my overeating. I have felt extreme hopelessness and despair - almost to the point of being suicidal. I have felt like I am two different people - the 'normal' woman and the fat woman. My emotions swing from extremes with little provocation. I often fantasize about a better life and sometimes lose touch with reality. I have very little self esteem. I've tried so hard to control this addiction and failed every time - leaving me with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. That leads me to isolate and feel lonely. I'm exhausted and afraid of the future.
The physical consequences of overeating are pretty obvious, though thankfully aren't as bad as they could be - yet. I'm over 150 lbs overweight. This causes tremendous stress on my heart - I'm terrified I'll have a heart attack any day. My blood pressure is elevated and I'm probably pre-diabetic. Thankfully my cholesterol isn't that bad. I have no energy. I have no stamina for physical exercise. I get winded all the time. Back aches are frequent. My feet, legs and his hurt often. Knees, too.
My addiction and weight problem cause a lot of problems in my marriage. I feel repulsive and reluctant to have sex. I feel like he doesn't want to be seen in public with me, that he's ashamed of me. I can't do a lot of activities with him that I'd like to do. I feel so unlovable. How do you have a relationship with someone when you don't feel worthy of it? When you feel less than, in every way?
My weight also causes problems with my kids. On the most extreme level, I'm afraid that I'll die and leave them without a mother. To be less dramatic,I can't be as active with them as I'd like. I run out of energy too quickly when we're playing. Because of my self-consciousness and certainty that people don't like me, I don't get them as many playdates as I think they should have. It's very difficult for me to form friendships. I'm also scared the kids will pick up my bad habits.
My lack of energy also makes it hard for me to keep the house looking like I want it to. I fee like a terrible housewife.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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