Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Resources

Today's weight:  285.6 (down 26.4 lbs)

I wanted to make a note of some resources, some things that I've found helpful, and some things that I want to look more into.  Because god forbid I add a weight-loss board to my Pinterest account!

I just found this website:  Isabel Foxen Duke.  She's a food coach and I guess you can get daily emails, too.  I've just been poking around at some of her articles, and I like what she has to say.  The first thing is about falling off the wagon, how that necessarily means that there's a set of rules that you're trying to stick to.  She says, "'Falling off' is not your problem. Your wagon is your problem."  I love it.  That totally speaks to me about the struggle I had with the low-carb, high fat diet I was trying.  Diet being the key word.  There was a wagon to fall off, and fall off I did.  What I'm having more success with is generally improving how I eat, and trying not to eat compulsively.  There aren't rules, so if I mess up, I haven't 'ruined everything.'  I can just pick myself up and get on with trying to take care of myself.

One of my favorite food/diet/emotional health writers is Geneen Roth.  I've read two of her books:  Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy.  Both were wonderful, full of insight and compassion.  I need to go back and reread When Food Is Love because there was so much there.

I just heard about this book: Starting Monday: Seven Keys to a Permanent, Positive Relationship with Food.  It looks like a good read, and I'm all for books that delve into the psychological issues of weight instead of just food plans or CBT techniques.  She also has a Facebook app, called APPetite, that I just signed up for, as well as a Yahoo Group called Food and Feelings for Emotional Eaters.
Hopefully these new finds will help me along my way, and if they help you, all the better!  Have any other good suggestions?  Post them in the comments section!


Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Diet Change & Cravings

I haven't been totally happy with the amount of weight I've been losing just by tracking calories and trying to make healthier choices.  I did some reading (as if I haven't read it all before) and decided that I should try a low carb, high fat diet again.  But the process of switching diets has been unpleasant.  I've had several days where I've just gone completely off the wagon (not to mention things like Mother's Day and my youngest's birthday).  I love hearing people talk about how great they feel when they cut sugar and/or gluten out of their diet, and part of me really wants that.. but a bigger part of me really, really wants sugar.  I know it's my addict, and that I shouldn't give in, but man, is it hard!  I find myself wondering, "Well, if other people can lose weight and not go low carb, then I should be able to, too."  Maybe I can, maybe it would be fine and I'd just lose a little more slowly.  But I hate being this 'dependent' on anything, I hate the hold sugar has on me.  I hate it, and I love it, and ugh!

I'm sitting here, with work to do and kids to tend to, and all I can think about is a Nutella sandwich.  I already tapped on the craving once, and that did help a bit, for a few minutes.  But it's back, I obviously wasn't very specific in my tapping.  I'm going to give it a few more rounds and hope that I'll be okay with just water.  But dinner feels a long way off.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Paths to Spirituality

Mindfulness:  I'm aware of mindfulness as a path to spirituality and serenity, but it's something I struggle with.  Like most other people, my life is full of what I often view as tedium.  I stay at home with four young children, so it's laundry, making meals, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, tending to boo-boos, breaking up fights, soothing hurt feelings.  I craft and sell on Etsy, and even that becomes rote, just another chore.  When I can stop and think about what I'm doing, be mindful and in the moment, I do notice a tremendous difference.  Making sandwiches for the kids, instead of grumbling about how long it takes and how boring it is, I can think about making food that will nourish my children's bodies and help them to grow, to have energy to play.  Instead of feeling exhausted at the prospect of breaking up another fight or soothing hurt feelings, I can be grateful to have the ability to teach my children better ways to relate and to cope with life, to be a more 'therapeutic mommy' (as my good friend calls herself) than my mother was.  To try to break the cycles present in my family.  When filling an Etsy order, instead of wishing I was doing something for myself, for fun, instead of focusing on the pain in my back or the cramp in my hand, I can envision how the buyer will use this gift, and appreciate it, and craft with a loving intention.

I also know that it's important for me to not check-out to the detriment of the present situation.  For instance, it's taken me an extraordinary amount of time to write this blog post because my four year old keeps coming up to me to give me snuggles.  I could get annoyed at him and tell him I'm trying to write, but instead I put down the laptop and give him all the cuddles he wants.

Nature:  Connecting with the earth is my best path to spirituality, the one I use the most, the one that gives me the most 'bang for the buck'.  In the last two years, I've really come to appreciate how important nature is to my well-being, and its importance is only growing.  This winter has been especially hard, with the endless cold and grey.  We moved to a new house in the fall, and while previously, I'd always been able to create a sanctuary for birds in our snowy backyard, I couldn't replicate it here.  To make up for it, I bought a lot of houseplants, and that helped some.  Now, though, spring is blooming, birds are coming to the feeders, and we've got lots of seedlings sprouting all over the place, in addition to our old friends the houseplants.  We've gone on hikes and to demonstrations at a wildlife center.  Even just taking the kids to the park is a spiritual experience for me.  I'm constantly looking for ways to 'plus' the experience - for instance, walking barefoot in the grass or sitting in the grass is better than just sitting on our deck in a lawn chair.  A park is good, but a park with friends is even better.  The beach is nice, but the dog beach with our lab is the best.

I can't state enough how important green, life, and sun is for me.  We're even considering moving out of the northeast to somewhere without a harsh winter, even if it means hotter and more humid summers.

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Steps Two and Three

Step Two:  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three:  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Journaling prompts taken from Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps.

Loss of Reality Inventory

No reality/loss of memories:  My first impulse was that I've never experienced this - a total loss of memories or reality.  But then I thought of how sometimes I'll be eating something, and then have no recollection of finishing it.  Or I'll start with a big bowl of ice cream and after some time, realize there's only a bite left, without really remembering eating most of it.

Distortion of reality (faulty thinking or beliefs):  Oh, there's so many of these.  I don't know if I'll be able to list them all!  Let's start specifically with food.  Eating is a way to feel loved.  I deserve to eat unhealthy food.  Eating unhealthy food is nurturing myself.  I can eat some unhealthy food and still lose weight.  That one bite doesn't really matter (which turns into that whole pint of ice cream doesn't really matter).  There will always be more time to lose weight.  Everyone eats unhealthy food like I do, but somehow they stay thin.  Also:  I'm only lovable if I'm thin AND smart AND funny AND outgoing.  I'm only lovable if I do things what other people want.  I'm only lovable if I don't have needs.  I'm only lovable if I'm perfect.

Ignoring reality:  When have I ignored reality and suffered the consequences?  How about every time I ate something and gained weight?  When I swore to lose weight for a trip, and kept telling myself I still had plenty of time, and then the trip came and I was still out of shape and overweight?  There are endless examples of this.  Even things like ignoring bills end badly, obviously.  I don't think I've ever escaped the consequences of ignoring reality.

In the past, when I've asked for help following a loss of reality, my expectations have not been based in reality.  I've expected someone to rescue me, someone with a magical, easy cure for whatever's gone wrong.  Why can't my therapist snap her fingers and make my distorted, faulty thinking disappear?  Why can't someone pay my bills for me?  Why can't this pill make me lose weight?

Serenity Prayer:

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.